Parents in newly affluent households are increasingly under pressure to concede to every whim and demand of children. As a result Gen Z children with an overweening sense of impunity and entitlement are running amok countrywide -Kiran Balimane & Cynthia JohnRapid growth and expansion of India’s upper middle class after the landmark industry liberalisation and deregulation reforms which began in 1991 — currently 10 percent of the population controls 57 percent of national income and wealth and the country hosts 764,000 dollar millionaires — has infected an estimated 30 million households countrywide with a problem described by sociologists as ‘affluenza parenting’ — wealthy, affluent parents over-indulging their children.

Increasingly, parents in newly affluent households are under pressure to concede to every whim and demand of children. As a result, Gen Z children with an overweening sense of impunity and entitlement are running amok countrywide. As nuclear households with both parents working become normative in urban India, the dynamics of parent-child relationships are changing radically.

Within the country’s newly rich bourgeoisie, it has suddenly become politically incorrect to discipline children and deny them instant gratification. ‘My children right or wrong’ is becoming a normative sentiment and the newly emergent selfie and Instagram generation is taking full advantage of permissive parenting often with disastrous consequences.

On May 19, a 17-year-old teen driving a luxury Porsche motor-car at 200 kmph rammed into a motorbike, killing two 24-year-old IT professionals, in Pune. Earlier that evening, the teen, son of a prominent real estate developer in the city, had celebrated his satisfactory class XII board exam results at a pub with friends. According to media reports, his grandfather, after consulting the father, had handed over a credit card and keys to the Rs.1.6 crore sports car to the adolescent. After partying at two pubs where he ran up a bill of Rs.69,000, the teen wanted to drive himself home. The chauffeur claims he gave the keys to him only after taking the father’s permission. Since then, the 17-year-old, charged as a juvenile under the Juvenile Justice Act, 2015, is out on bail after submitting a 300-word essay on road safety.

The Pune Porsche case and several similar incidents have sparked widespread public outrage and debate in the media and social media especially parents chat rooms about the pitfalls of affluenza parenting. Are middle class parents equating paternal love and care for children with permissive over-indulgence? Questions are being raised about what prevented parents of the Pune teen, who snuffed out two promising lives in a jiffy, from prohibiting their under-age son from consuming alcohol and driving — both illegal acts. These and associated questions are being debated in parents’ WhatsApp and social media messaging groups.

“Parenting is hard, for anyone at any income level. There is no user manual, standard operating procedure or even a best practices guide. We can end up (sic) being too strict or hard on the child, hurting their independence and growth. We can also be too lenient, which could translate to the child having no idea about boundaries, acceptable behaviour and discipline. Now imagine this leniency in a setting of affluence, where no material want is declined. Where parents think love means providing more resources, money and services. Where supporting the child is about removing each and every obstacle from the child’s path. What you end up with is a bratty, entitled child, used to getting whatever he or she wants. You end up with excessive consumption, underage drinking, underage driving, entitled behavior and yet deep down, a deeply unhappy child, brought up in an environment of zero struggle and constant seeking of pleasure. This so-called ideal luxurious life is in reality a recipe for disaster… Affluent parents need to work extra hard to bring up their children well with good discipline and values,” wrote Chetan Bhagat, best-selling author, in an essay titled ‘Pune Porsche case shows the problems of affluenza parenting’ (Times of India, June 2).

In particular, with the breakdown of the joint family system in urban India, double income parents caught in a web of guilt for perceived neglect of full-time child rearing tend to compensate by spoiling children with material goods/gifts. Dr. Saloni Chawla, a Faridabad-based health and mental wellness educationist, says over-indulgence is transforming children, especially adolescents and teens into narcissistic, self-centred individuals incapable of accepting parental discipline. “A growing number of parents are over-indulging their children by pandering to their every demand. They feel obliged to compensate their inability to spend adequate time with children by flooding them with material goods and services. Too many parents don’t keep a tab on their children’s school and out-of-school activities, friends, and social media usage. The result is that over-indulged children from affluent homes have a sense of entitlement, disregard for social rules and etiquette and low tolerance of disappointment. It’s the duty of parents to strike a balance between providing material and emotional comfort and discipline,” says Dr. Chawla.

According to Dr. Pallavi Rao Chaturvedi, a Bhopal-based parenting coach, educationist and founder of Get Set Parent with Pallavi, an Instagram account with 1 million followers, a highlight of latter day parenting is parental reluctance to refuse even unreasonable and anti-social demands of over-indulged children.

“Today’s parents want to be different from their own authoritarian parents. They want to be gentle, kind and not upset their children. But in doing so, they are raising entitled children who can’t accept discipline and regulation. Therefore it’s important that parents understand that by refusing to give in to unreasonable and dangerous demands, they are teaching children an important lesson: that denial and rejection are part of life. Parents often forget that their role is not to be friends with their children. Their job is to guide children, teach them the right values, principles and set boundaries,” says Chaturvedi.

Chaturvedi warns that children used to having their way begin to expect that all their demands and desires will be instantly gratified, leading to a dangerous sense of entitlement. “They become ungrateful because they’ve never had to earn or wait for gratification. Parents need to understand that children must learn to accept disappointments to become resilient. Over-indulged children are certain to struggle to cope with later life challenges,” she adds.

RAISING RESPONSIBLE CHILDREN.
Chaturvedi shares some valuable parental strategies to nurture children with positive values and social responsibility.

1. Set clear boundaries. Establish clear limits and boundaries. Children need to be firmly told that everything can’t be made available to them, even if parents can afford it. For example, parents should gift new toys/gadgets only on birthdays or special occasions, not every time a new product hits the market. Delayed gratification makes children thankful for what they receive and develop a mindset to be grateful for friendships, good education, vacations etc.
2. Encourage effort and responsibility. Link rewards to effort. Whether it is through helping with household chores or academic achievements, ensure children understand that they need to earn rewards. Teach children to save their allowance earnings for larger purchases. This helps them learn financial responsibility and appreciate the value of their possessions.
3. Promote gratitude and giving. Encourage expression of gratitude, such as saying thank you, writing thank-you notes and maintaining a gratitude journal. Involve children in charitable activities and volunteering for social causes.
4. Teach delayed gratification. Teach children the value of waiting. Inculcate the savings habit for independent purchases. If your daughter wants the latest phone, she could save part of her pocket money over several months to contribute to the cost. This way children learn independence, goals-setting and personal satisfaction.
5. Model values and restraint. Parents are role models for children. Therefore, demonstrate thoughtful spending and value-based decision-making in your own life. Show children that fulfilment comes from experiences, relationships, and personal growth, not material possessions. Share and discuss financial decisions with your children in age-appropriate language, explaining the virtues of saving, spending and careful investment.
6. Encourage open communication. Discuss the difference between needs and wants with children. Help them understand that self-respect and social esteem is unrelated to material possessions. Encourage children to talk about their experiences regarding peer pressure and work together to navigate and overcome it.
7. Emphasise experiences over material wealth. Parents should refrain from bragging about their wealth, homes and material possessions. Shift children’s focus from acquiring things to enjoying experiences. Plan family activities that create lasting memories and build family bonds. For instance, instead of buying the latest gadget, you might plan a family hiking trip or a visit to a museum, demonstrating the value of shared experiences and learning.
8. Build strong sense of identity. Encourage children to develop confident personalities disassociated with material possessions. Support their interests and celebrate their achievements, whether in sports, arts, or academics. Enrol them in sports and extra-curricular activities that develop creativity, personal growth and self-expression.

MENTAL WELL-BEING.
In affluenza parenting, the focus is so much on providing children material goods and services that very often their emotional development is neglected. According to Mumbai-based child and adolescent psychiatrist, Dr. Sapna Bangar, there’s a marked rise in children from affluent households reporting mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, eating disorders, body image issues, self-harm and substance abuse.

“Affluent parents tend to have demanding careers and social commitments that limit the time they spend with their children. This lack of parental presence and emotional support in their lives leads to sentiments of loneliness, insecurity, and a sense of abandonment in children. Many children report anxiety: “I have everything I need so I should not be feeling depressed or anxious”. Children from affluent homes also experience greater pressure to succeed than other children which damages their mental health. Another question that plagues them is “Am I good enough and/or do I deserve my success?” Many a times unfortunately, their success is attributed to their wealthy backgrounds but the blame for failure is entirely theirs. Leading lives of privilege also gives them a sense of entitlement, leading to challenges in coping with setbacks and failures,” says Dr. Bangar, who advises parents to focus on ensuring children’s mental and emotional well-being.

INSTIL POSITIVE VALUES.
In the new age of the Internet and social media in which demands for food, hotels, holiday-bookings and cab-rides are quickly gratified and self-expression media are available 24×7, children and youth are fast losing the virtues of patience and the character-building advantages of delayed gratification. Bengaluru-based parenting coach Ritu Jain shares some strategies parents should adopt to raise disciplined children with positive values and attitudes.

Encourage gratitude and humility. Parents should actively cultivate a sense of gratitude in their children. Encourage them to appreciate their good fortune, rather than taking it for granted. Engage in regular family discussions about gratitude, encourage volunteer work, and parents themselves should demonstrate/role model appreciative behaviour.

Promote hard work and responsibility. While it’s natural for parents to provide the best possible food, clothing, shelter, education and healthcare to their children, it’s important for children to understand the value of work. Assign age-appropriate household chores, encourage part-time jobs for older children, and set academic and personal goals that teach responsibility.

Develop emotional intelligence. Affluence does not shield people from emotional challenges. Teach children how to understand, and manage their positive and negative emotions. Open communication about emotions and empathy exercises will enable children to develop strong emotional intelligence, vital for personal and professional success. (See page 20 ‘Develop your tween’s emotional intelligence’)

Provide balanced opportunities. Affluent parents have the wherewithal to offer their children a variety of enriching experiences, from travel to extracurricular activities. However, it’s important to ration these opportunities to avoid overwhelming them. Encourage children to pursue their genuine interests rather than stacking their schedules with activities for the sake of prestige and social status.

Teach children to respect the law. Explain to children the importance of respecting the law including traffic, parking, alcohol drinking age-limits among other regulations. And impress the severe consequences of violating laws upon them.

“Responsible parenting requires maintenance of a delicate balance between providing material comforts and spoiling impressionable children. By teaching gratitude, developing children’s emotional intelligence, and offering balanced experiences, well-to-do parents can nurture their children into responsible and empathetic adults. Every parent’s objective should be to ensure that high incomes and wealth shouldn’t be a soft cushion, but a platform for developing well-grounded and responsible citizens,” says Jain.

Teach children value of money

Giving too much money too soon spoils children and invests them with a sense of entitlement, says Usha Rani, a Bengaluru-based psychologist. She suggests four quick ways to help children understand the value of money.

• Financial literacy is a skill that will serve children well throughout their lives. Teach them about money, how to manage, spend and save responsibly from early age.
• Introduce an allowance system tied to completing household chores and/or good behaviour. This helps children understand the concept of working to earn money.
• Use books, apps, and games to teach financial concepts in an engaging way. (Many shortlists are available on the Internet).
• As your children grow older, teach them the basics of investing and the importance of saving for the future.

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