Advertising driven supplements of mainstream media and social media posts of ideal families are intensifying pressure on couples to become perfect parents. As a result, parental burnout, a relatively new phenomenon, is sweeping households worldwide – Kiran Balimane & Cynthia John.
At a time in global history when dimly perceived phenomena such as stress, stolen focus, ADHD and other stressors are debilitating nations and populations, parental burnout is a relatively new phenomenon sweeping households worldwide. Advertising driven supplements of mainstream media and social media posts of ideal, smiling families are intensifying pressure on couples — many of them parents in double income households struggling to beat inflation — to become perfect parents. A 2024 study conducted by Ohio State University College of Nursing which studied 700 families across the US, says that 57 percent parents are reporting parental burnout (definition: “a set of undesirable symptoms resulting from parental role and long-term parenting stress”).
According to the study, burnout is strongly associated with internal and external expectations, when one or both parents strive to become excellent caregivers. As such, they must find time to play with the children, maintain a harmonious relationship inter se, keep a neat and tidy home. Another study conducted by Action for Children (UK) reveals that 82 percent of parents in the UK are indicating parental burnout symptoms.
“Over 60 percent of parents I interact with display one or more symptoms of burnout. On average, parents solicit support within six-12 months from the first symptom, when stress-related behaviour manifests at home or at work. Fortunately, when provided professional support and successful intervention strategies, 75 percent of them report abated burnout symptoms within three-six months from the starting date of coaching,” says Jaya Sachdev, a Delhi-based parenting coach.
Although not widely diagnosed, parental burnout is a silent epidemic afflicting an increasing number of middle class households obliged to cope with family and societal pressures, and umpteen challenges of modern life. But early diagnosis and followed up support offers a way out.
Pursuit of perfection
One of the major causes of parental burnout in India is the perfectionism trap. With society attaching great importance to education and achievement, middle class couples — especially mothers — are experiencing increasing pressure to provide perfect home environments and routines in addition to having to homeschool children. Moreover, an increasing number of co-curricular and extracurricular activities — in addition to tuition and exam preparation — needs to be made available to children.
Jaya Sachdev
“Over 90 percent of parents I work with report severe pressure to become perfect parents. Most of this pressure emanates from the media, especially social media. The common complaint is of late nights because of helping with homework, weekends full of co-curricular and sports classes, and the deep-seated fear of their children falling behind. Social media intensifies anxiety by highlighting the knowledge of what other parents are doing and what their children are achieving,” adds Jaya Sachdev.
Women in action
Though urban middle class households are transforming at a modest pace with husbands also pitching in to lend a hand with housework and tutoring the children, parental duties and housekeeping responsibilities still rest heavily on women. Nevertheless most working mothers manage or juggle two duties — keeping the wheels of her career running smoothly and simultaneously keeping the home fires burning.
For all the professional success they enjoy, their hands are also full with traditional roles: cooking, cleaning, childcare — leaving them stretched thin and often overwhelmed. Many mothers report the sentiment of running on a treadmill without time for a breather and re-energising. The multiplying tribe of parenting coaches and therapists report an increasing number of working women expressing remorse that they are unable to spend enough time with the children and lend a sufficiently sympathetic ear to their problems of adolescence. Guilt coupled with expectations from society, is increasingly breeding feelings of failure.
Dr. Salony Chawla
Physical effects
Healthcare professionals warn that when parents experience prolonged sentiments of guilt, helplessness, failure, shame, despair and stress, their health is at high risk. “High stress can prompt digestive problems including loss of appetite, stomach aches, diarrhoea, vomiting, breathing problems, insomnia, lethargy, burning eyes, neck pain, and shoulder and leg strain — all symptoms of parental burnout” warns Delhi-based nutritionist Dr. Saloni Chawla.
Combating parental stress
In an economy which lags behind most countries in workplace productivity, the newly emergent phenomenon of rapidly spreading parental burnout is beginning to worry economic and public policy formulators. Pervasive anxiety and exhaustion of parents who are also executives, managers and white and blue collar employees in government and private sector corporates, can’t be good for national economic growth and development.
“Based on the Ecological Systems Theory (EST), we found that microsystem-individual factors such as gender, educational level, income, parental personality, internalisation of maternal parental motivation, unmitigated communion, self-compassion and concern for others, alexithymia, anxiety and depressive symptoms, parental perfectionism, resilience, low self-esteem and high need for control, mother’s attachment style was identified as being associated with parenting burnout,” says a 2024 study conducted by researchers at the Cheeloo College of Medicine, Shandong University, Jinan, China and published in BMC Public Health.
Therefore, parenting coaches and counsellors say that sensitivity to warning signals and early search for coping strategies starting with slow-down and self-care, is essential to help parents rediscover the enjoyment of raising healthy, cheerful families. “Self-care isn’t a gift to yourself; it’s essential for the health and happiness of your whole family,” says Jaya Sachdev (quoted earlier).
According to the Bengaluru-based COPE (Centre for Perinatal Excellence), parental burnout rates range from two-14 percent, varying from country to country. “Parents in cultures that do not rely on extended family and support networks, are more likely to experience burnout. Burnout can affect both mothers and fathers,” says a COPE study.
COPE attributes high stress and parental burnout to several causes:
Employment. Employed mothers working full-time feel less emotionally exhausted than mothers working part-time, or more than part-time.
The number of children. More children in the family, and a large age gap between children.
Children’s developmental stage. Caring for infants poses greater risk of emotional exhaustion.
Access to support. Less access to practical and emotional support.
Children’s needs. Caring for a child with a disability places greater demands on parents and increases likelihood of burnout.
Perfectionism. Striving to become a perfect parent, rather than “good enough” can also place parents at risk of burning out.
In Indian middle class society, ready availability of household help, and normative willingness of grand-parents to provide loving care to grand-children are important factors that enable the success of women professionals and mitigate the risks of parental burnout. However these positives are often — too often — offset by ‘helicopter parents’ anxious to provide all possible mod cons and facilities to their children. In conscious or sub-conscious pursuit of parental perfectionism they pack their children’s days with after-school hours including private tuition, co-curricular classes (elocution, dance/music/art) followed by sports training. And since because of poor public transport and security reasons, children need to be supervised, parents — usually mothers — are obliged to rush from class to class, leaving their children and themselves exhausted at the end of every day.
Such helicopter parents would be well-advised to bear in mind British philosopher and Nobel laureate Bertrand Russel’s observation that boredom and seeming ‘laziness’ when children are left to their own devices, is often good for them. It enables them to develop inquisitive minds and ponder great and often philosophical issues such as existentialism and purpose of life. It’s also noteworthy that quite often children who get too much attention from parents transform into over-indulged brats with perennially great expectations. Such children are likely to experience problems in adulthood when they are let down with a bump as they realise that they are not the centre of the universe.
Shreya Batra
The seven types of rest
Shreya Batra, department head of child psychology at HEJJE (‘footsteps’ in Kannada), a division of M.S. Ramaiah Health Pvt. Ltd, Bengaluru promoted by M.S. Ramaiah Hospitals, advises parents to self-care by practising seven types of rest to combat parental exhaustion and burnout.
1. Physical rest
Physical rest is essential for combating burnout. It involves prioritising sleep, engaging in self-care practices such as stretching and exercise, and making time for relaxation. Replenishment of energy and stress reduction, provides a solid foundation for overall well-being. Conversely sleep deficiency impairs the immune system, rendering adults susceptible to illness.
“Incorporation of adequate sleep into the daily routine and perhaps supplementing it with meditation or yoga, ensures optimal physical rest. Taking a warm bath or shower, gentle stretching, going for a walk or listening to calming music before bedtime, ensures high quality sleep,” says Batra.
2. Mental rest
Mental rest and peace necessitates giving the mind a break from constant activity. This can be achieved through practices such as meditation, journaling, taking short breaks from work and stressful issues for a while.
3. Sensory rest
Sensory rest requires switching off the constant stimuli of the modern world. Finding moments of quiet by disconnecting with electronic and digital devices, we can reset our minds and restore balance. Increasingly, latter-day psychologists, sociologists and wellness gurus recommend a walk in the park, going for a hike, or simply sitting in a garden to absorb the sounds and smells of nature. A large number of ingenious devices, such eye masks and earplugs are available on the internet. Check them out.
4. Creative rest
Creative rest involves engaging in activities that allow freedom to the imagination and permit parents/adults to express themselves. By embracing playfulness and spontaneity, adults/parents can find joy in the process of creation and replenish energy. “Explore your creative side through activities like painting, writing, or playing a musical instrument. Consider trying a new creative hobby or joining a local art class to connect with like-minded individuals,” says Batra.
5. Emotional rest
Emotional rest involves exploring and addressing the inner feelings of adults/parents. Through self-examination, reminiscing joyous experiences, expressing ourselves, and engaging in comforting activities, inner peace can be found.
Practising gratitude also positively impacts emotional well-being. Parenting coaches recommend maintaining a gratitude journal or expressing gratitude to parents for their sacrifices, and children for good behaviour. Moreover they advise no hesitation in seeking professional help from a therapist or counsellor when struggling with emotional challenges.
Social rest involves setting boundaries and prioritising activities that are self-nourishing. By spending ‘me-time’ in solitary activities or indulging in hobbies, parents can recharge and improve self-awareness and creativity. Therefore it’s important to schedule time for self-indulgent activities such as reading, gardening, and simple relaxation. This requires limiting social commitments to make time for self-caring indulgences which also includes limiting digital screen watching, connecting with nature, and joining clubs or groups.
7. Spiritual rest
Well-being gurus, parenting coaches, and professional therapists are increasingly recommending spiritual rest through according high importance to practices that align with our beliefs and values. “By connecting with something greater than ourselves, we can find solace and strength,” says Batra.
Contrary to popular belief, exploring existentialism, philosophy and purpose of life are rejuvenating, healing and uplifting experiences. Ditto practices like meditation, prayer. Wellness gurus recommend practicing mindfulness, volunteering your time, studying philosophy or religion, and expressing gratitude.
For increasingly stressed parents under pressure to do the best for their children, rest and recreation is not self-indulgence or abdication of parenting obligations. It’s a necessity to maintain balance and well-being which is a pre-condition of latter day caregiving and provision for their children. By according due importance to self-care and mental and spiritual rest they can navigate the complexities of parenting with resilience and grace and build enduring parent-child relationships.
Temptations caring parents should avoid
Parents usually want to do their best for their children. While this is a commendable sentiment, parenting coaches and psychologists warn it should not result in perennially high expectations from children that sucks the joy of living out of parents. Contrary to what many over-indulged spoilt brat children — and their number in middle class society is multiplying — believe, parents are not obliged to sacrifice all for the growth, development and success of their progeny.
High expectations of parents who have their own lives to live, is destructive of parent-child relationships as parents advance into old age. Over-indulged children are quite likely to distance, if not abandon aged parents once they have outlived their usefulness, warn parenting coaches. Some temptations that caring parents need to resist:
Doing everything yourself. This is not necessary or desirable. Delegate some tasks to teachers, caregivers and professionals.
Striving for parental perfection. Being the perfect parent or stretching one’s self to be the multi-tasking Supermom is not worth the effort. Benign neglect in some matters encourages children to become independent and chart their own course.
Assuming responsibility when things go wrong. Some parents tend to blame themselves whenever their children fall foul of the law or when they misbehave in school or society. They often stretch their memory to wonder where they went wrong in child-rearing. Instead of beating themselves up and investigating their perceived acts of commission or omission, it’s a better idea to stop worrying about the past and analyse the proximate problem and find solutions.
Setting too high standards. Setting too high standards for parents or children is self-defeating. It is stressful for parents and children. Lowering expectations and being satisfied with hitting the mean or even muddling through, reduces household tension and creates time for enjoyable family experiences and bonding.