My eight-year-old daughter doesn’t listen to instructions and is out of control. She is also very hyperactive. Please advise.
— Sanvi Mehta, Mumbai
There may be many reasons why your daughter is “out of control”. The antidote depends on whether this is recent or consistent behaviour pattern.
If it’s recent, there may be something troubling your daughter either at school, home or with friends. Instead of scolding her, find out what’s bothering her. Spend quality time with her — take her out to the park or play a board game. When she is relaxed and appreciative of your comforting presence, she is likely to open up about her problems.
If she still continues to be unruly, set limits and sanctions and explain clearly the consequences of breaking them. Be firm about enforcing set rules and limits.
On the other hand, if this is a persistent behaviour pattern for many years, it could be due to her being hyperactive. Consult a professional therapist/ counsellor for advice.
My four-year-old son is very naughty. He doesn’t listen to me and throws tantrums if his demands are not met. He strikes back whenever I hit him. Please advise.
— Suzanne Thomas, Bangalore
You have not mentioned whether he is an only child. If children are given anything they demand from early age, they become used to instant gratification. Also, if one parent is strict and the other indulgent, the child gets mixed signals and will play off one parent against the other. Both parents should be on the same page on the issue of disciplining children. You need to focus on setting rules and limits and explain the consequences of violating them.
Teach him gratitude and to be thankful for gifts and favours he receives. Moreover I suggest you use positive discipline and reinforcement. Make a star chart and for every good action/behaviour, award him a star. If he collects a certain number of stars, offer a reward such as a surprise gift or an outing in the park.
My son (17) is very immature and irresponsible. He doesn’t help in household chores and often teases his siblings. He will turn 18 in a few months. Should I expect some maturity then?
— Vinodini Kumar, Chennai
In Indian households, male children are usually not encouraged to help with household chores. If you haven’t encouraged your son from an early age to do kitchen/laundry and other chores, you can’t suddenly expect him to turn a new leaf. Moreover, he is experiencing the turbulence of adolescence, a time when children tend to rebel and question parental authority.
During the tumultuous adolescence years, children need the love, support and guidance of parents. Encourage him to enrol in life skills education and development programmes and also actively participate in team sports and games.
My nine-year-old son is very lazy. When I tell him to complete his homework or help with household chores, he ignores me. How can I make him more responsible?
— Deena Jose, Trivandrum
It’s important to encourage male children to help with household chores from early age. You need to explain that it’s important and necessary for all members of the family to contribute to running the household, and that it’s not only women’s responsibility.
Sit down with your son and jointly devise a timetable for daily/weekly activities. Involve him in chores he prefers to do. The timetable should be a mix of work, play and studies. If he follows the schedule, encourage him with words of praise and positive encouragement. Don’t be too harsh or critical. You should also draw up a schedule for yourself and lead by example.
(Dr. Mallika Raghavendra is consultant psychiatrist, Sakthi Rehabilitation Center and Andrews Rehab Center, Bangalore)