Aruna Raghuram “When we are gentle with our children, we model and help create the inner voice that will accompany them through their lives.” – Dr. Allison Andrews, well-known American psychologist Picture this scene. Four-year-old Asha has thrown a huge temper tantrum and is bawling as she lies on the kitchen floor. Her exasperated mother Renu picks her up and takes her to her room. “That’s it. You will stay in there until you learn to behave,” says Renu. Asha has been grounded for bad behaviour. But locking her up will be counterproductive because Asha is too young to understand and cope with her fluctuating emotions without the help of her parents. And, when she needs it the most, her mother has cut off all communication with her. Confused and miserable, she continues crying softly. Parents who subscribe to ‘gentle parenting’ would have intervened very differently in this situation. They would have given Asha a ‘time-in’ instead of a ‘time-out’ by examining the causes that triggered her tantrum and helped her self-soothe. This would have enabled her to regulate her emotions — a vital life skill — in future. Gentle parenting Gentle parenting is defined as “a positive parenting approach based on gentleness”. It involves guiding rather than controlling children. It is the antithesis of authoritarian parenting where parents micro-manage children’s lives. In gentle parenting, children are partners who are given choices and empowered to make decisions. However it should not be confused with permissive parenting, when discipline suffers as parents attempt to please children to prevent tantrums and conflict. Gentle parenting is dissimilar to ‘authoritative’ parenting in that a child is given respect and consulted before decisions are taken. It is congruent with ‘attachment’ parenting where the focus is on creating a secure, trusting bond between parent and child. But there is more to gentle parenting than these two styles. Comments Dr. Meghna Singhal, a Bengaluru-based clinical psychologist and internationally certified positive parenting coach: “Gentle parenting involves unconditional love and acceptance of one’s child without the use of harsh disciplining and punishment. When children misbehave, they are actually struggling to regulate their emotions. Accept your child’s emotions. Don’t deny or undermine them as it will give your child the message that some emotions are shameful and unacceptable. Instead, let children know that experiencing the full range of human feelings is normal and natural, even while some actions must be limited. This is the essence of gentle parenting.” Dr. Singhal provides an example of how parents can use gentle parenting effectively. “Instead of saying, ‘STOP playing and come for dinner NOW,’ you can try saying, ‘I know it’s hard for you to stop playing and come for dinner.’ Your child may have to do what you say, but you have shown her that she’s entitled to her own perspective. This will make her more willing to comply,” she explains. However Sushant Kalra, parenting coach and founder of the Delhi-based Parwarish Institute of Parenting, warns that the term ‘gentle parenting’ can…
