Research and expert opinion is veering to the conclusion that parental motivation and encouragement work better than pressurising children to succeed: Aruna Raghuram The life cycle of a child to young adult is defined by intense competition in school, college, university and workplaces. What if my child doesn’t make it in this pressure-cooker environment? This fear often propels parents to push their children too hard. The consequences of pushy parents driving their children round the bend are evident in the country’s rising student suicides. According to National Crime Record Bureau (NCRB) data, 59,239 students committed suicide between 2018-2022 — i.e, a student died by suicide every 42 minutes. While suicide is the extreme response, there’s no shortage of research that indicates children who are pushed too much and too hard by overbearing parents to outshine in academics and/or extra-curricular pursuits, experience stress, anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. All too often unrealistic parental expectations backfire with children performing poorly in academics. A 2015 research study of the American Psychological Association (APA) reveals that parents setting too high expectations can be counterproductive. The study found that while high parental aspiration led to better academic outcomes, when aspiration exceeded capability, children’s achievements decreased proportionately. “Some parents tend to push and pressurise children because of their own ‘unlived lives’, in the words of Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung. For instance, if a mother aspired to become a doctor but could not, she is likely to push her child to study medicine to fulfil her unrealised aspiration. Competitive parents also push their children to bask in reflected glory. ‘If my child does better than his peers, I am a better mother than others’. Such wish fulfillment is not healthy but negative pressure,” says Meenakshi Gupta, an Ahmedabad-based psychotherapist. According to Gupta, the burden of negative parental pressure usually tells on children — they withdraw socially, become casual about studies, throw tantrums and suffer anxiety and depression. “Many children begin to believe that they are not good enough. To overcome their low self-esteem, they try to become perfectionists. Such children may seem outwardly happy but are anxious and disturbed within. Some may also rebel and misbehave,” adds Gupta. US-based psychotherapist, author and motivational speaker Amy Morin, writing on the website www.verywellfamily.com, details other repercussions of exerting excessive pressure on children. They may resort to cheating in exams/assignments, refuse to participate in activities where they feel they will not shine, and suffer sleep deprivation. Research and expert opinion is veering to the conclusion that parental motivation and encouragement work better than pressurising children to succeed. A definitive research study published the in Canadian Journal of School Psychology (2009) found that motivation rather than “pressure” led to higher academic achievement in school children. Archana Mohan, the Bengaluru-based co-founder of Bookosmia, an online website that publishes children’s writing, and mother of 13-year-old Arnav, concurs. “There’s a big difference between encouraging and pushing children. In the former, unconditional support and encouragement from parents motivates children to realise their full potential. When…
