Child development and parenting experts are increasingly becoming aware that providing children choices from young age enables them to develop independence, decision-making skills, and confidence writes Aruna Raghuram
Adults cherish their freedom. And, a large component of this freedom is the autonomy to make decisions. Why wouldn’t children want the same? Child development and parenting experts are increasingly becoming aware that providing children choices from young age enables them to develop independence, decision-making skills, and confidence. It also avoids tantrums and gives them a sense of power and control over their lives.
Dr. Laura Markham, a US-based clinical psychologist, parenting expert and founder of Aha! Parenting website, says the best way to manage uncooperative children is to give them choices. “Giving choices may be the single most useful tool parents have for managing young children. It really is almost a magic wand, at least until children are about five. And even into the teen years, choices help children learn to manage themselves,” she writes.
For instance, if you give your child this choice: “Do you want to go to bed now or in five minutes?”, it may avert a bedtime tantrum.
Why does giving choices work? Because it’s a win-win solution. “You, as a parent, are offering only choices that are okay with you. Your child gets to pick one that’s okay with her. You sidestep the power struggle. The child is in charge, within your parameters. No one likes to be forced to do something. Here, because she chooses, she cooperates,” explains Dr. Markham.
A cardinal rule while giving choices is to not overwhelm children with too many options. Prof. Michal Maimaran, a faculty member at the Kellogg School of Management, Northwestern University, USA recalls meeting a paediatrician who was troubled by the number of choices modern day parents are giving their children. For instance, at the park, a child is asked whether she would rather play on the slide, swing, or kick a ball, or throw a Frisbee, or climb a tree! Prof. Maimaran decided to study the impact of providing too many choices to children. The research study published in Judgment and Decision Making (2017) found that children, who were given less choices (two options) vis-a-vis- six or seven, were more engaged and performed better in activities.
Age-appropriate choices
It’s important to give children age-appropriate and realistic choices. For instance, asking a toddler to choose whether she wants to nap or not in the afternoon is asking for trouble! It will result in a cranky child and frazzled parents. Here are some guidelines:
Infants and toddlers. Even infants make choices. An infant indicates when and how much she wants to breastfeed. When a little older, she will select from finger foods that appeal to her in terms of colour, texture or taste.
Toddlers should be given age-appropriate and limited choices. For instance, whether she wants to wear a blue or green T’shirt or whether she wants to play with blocks or read a story.
Preschoolers. You could ask your preschooler: “Should we go first to the park today or the supermarket?” At bed-time, you could ask her to choose a book she wants to be read.
Primary schoolchildren. Options to choose their school snack (from limited options) and extracurricular activities.
Dr. Tana Trivedi Joshi
Pre-teens and teens. For pre-teens and adolescent children, choices get more complicated and life-determining. For instance, secondary school children need to select higher education subject streams and careers. Though this requires parental and professional guidance, teens should be allowed to voice their opinions and encouraged to make informed decisions. Moreover, teenage children should be involved in setting rules for use of electronic gadgets at home, making holiday plans.
“We give our ten-year-old daughter Kiara age-appropriate choices. For instance she can decide the games she wants to play, books to read and choose playmates. But as parents we also encourage her to articulate the reasons for her choices. Giving her the freedom to make small decisions has boosted her self-confidence and problem-solving capability. It’s also a preparation for adulthood when she will have to make many decisions,” says Dr. Tana Trivedi Joshi, a faculty member at Ahmedabad University.
Seemanthini Iyer
BENEFITS
Curbs tantrums. An effective strategy to avoid tantrums in toddlers is to give them choices. Even older children experience a feeling of being in control if given choices. This reduces conflict. “Tantrums are often the result of toddlers experiencing lack of control. As adults, we don’t realise that children also like to feel in control. My advice to parents is whenever possible, accede to your child’s choice. For example, for a birthday party you want to dress her in a pretty frock but she wants to wear shorts and a T-shirt. You don’t want your child to be inappropriately dressed. But it is wise for parents to pick their battles. In this case, to minimise conflict, you could allow your child to dress as she likes,” says Seemanthini Iyer, a certified parent educator at Parenting Matters, Chennai.
Shivram Kumar
Builds confidence. Providing children the autonomy and freedom to decide and make small choices is critical to building their confidence and self-worth. According to Bengaluru-based Shivram Kumar, director of HR in a tech company and father of a four-year-old daughter, this is the most important benefit of encouraging independence in children. “We consciously give Isha choices on a daily basis. She chooses what to wear at home or when she goes out. We also ask her what she wants to eat for breakfast or lunch. We may not always accede to her wishes, but we encourage her to express them. But also be careful not to say ‘no’ too often as the purpose of giving choices is lost. The power to express and make choices has given Isha a lot of self-confidence,” says Kumar.
Iti Shukla
Makes disciplining children easier. Ahmedabad-based clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, Iti Shukla believes that encouraging decision-making fosters healthy, two-way communication between parents and children, and makes disciplining less stressful. “When parents ask children their views, the latter are more accommodating when decisions are made. This is because they are happy their parents asked, and value their opinions. They feel seen, heard, valued and respected. Consequently they are more willing to listen when parents discipline and enforce rules and decisions and explain their rationale. If parents take the ‘It’s my way or the highway’ approach, children are likely to rebel,” warns Shukla.
Develops life skills. Allowing children to make decisions and encouraging independence and autonomy develops important life skills such as creativity, critical thinking, problem solving, self-awareness and teaches children to take ownership of their actions.
Nurtures independence. All parents want to nurture independent, strong-willed children, well-prepared to take on the challenges of adulthood. The way to achieve this is to encourage children to practice decision-making for themselves from early age. “Conferring some degree of autonomy and independence is a development need. The more we nurture it in our children the better decision makers they will be. If independence is not encouraged in early childhood, as adolescents and young adults they will find it difficult to make big decisions like choosing a stream or career path,” says Seemanthini Iyer (quoted earlier) adding that making good choices is a skill that children need to learn under parental guidance.
