Of all the factors that influence the personality development of children, family environment and relationships unquestion-ably rank first and foremost. For children around the world, home and hearth is the primary environment from ‘womb to tomb. The influence of parents and siblings makes the greatest impact on the personality development of every child.
Therefore parenting is not only a huge challenge but also a unique privilege, as it helps to mould the personalities of future leaders. Every parent wants to raise well-bred, capable and confident children ready to confront the ever-growing challenges of the contemporary world. I wish to share a few thoughts and insights about parental behaviour that can bring about a magical transformation in the competencies and life skills of children.
Like adults, children too respond positively to recognition, compliments, praise, appreciation and encouragement. Its a great strategy to adopt for child rearing and development. The plain fact is that children — again like adults — dont like criticism, nagging and fault-finding. Therefore it makes sense to give positive responses and praise achievement, however minuscule.
Unfortunately my three decades-plus experience as an educator indicates that Indian parents tend to be hyper critical of their children and deny them their personal pace of performance which varies from child to child. We expect them to exhibit immediate results as though they are machines. Most parents become impatient or irritable, or take for granted the small achievements which may matter greatly to children. For such parents its important to remember that praise is a great motivator to attain important milestones.
Synonymous with wise parenting is patience. Whether its toilet training or getting homework done, parents need to learn the importance of being patient with children, and adopt a calm and unruffled demeanour while transacting with them. Only through patient persuasion and motivation can parents encourage children to inculcate good habits and lasting values. Good parenting is leading by example, and being firm, fair, yet loving towards children.
Yet while managing children fairly but firmly, its vitally important for parents to understand that children are very sensitive. Parents cannot afford to make light promises to them. Even seemingly trivial promises like taking them to the park in the evening or reading bedtime stories must be kept, so that children in turn learn to keep their promises. Mutual trust and confidence builds healthy parent-child relationships. And if because of unavoidable circumstances a parent is unable to honour a promise, its important to explain the mitigating circumstances to the child, with the promise to make good the lapse as soon as possible.
For young, modern parents who tend to be so busy with their professional responsibilities and social obligations that they hardly find time for their children, let me caution them that children are never too young to discern and appreciate our degree of commitment to them. Such parents are so pre-occupied with their overwhelming schedules that they are prone to imposing their opinions and judgements on their children. Instead, they should learn to create opportunities for children to express their opinion on live issues of the day. Thats the only way to stay in touch with them and really know how and why they think the way they do.
Most parents tend to keep their conversations with children short because they dont believe they have the capability to understand adult reasoning. Moreover they anticipate the onset of teenage years with dread and apprehension. But parenting teenagers can be fulfilling if parents bear some fundamentals in mind.
Although teenagers would be hesitant to admit it openly, parents hugely influence their behaviour and attitudes if they take care to be positive role models. This is best achieved by maintaining a balance between controlling and nurturing a teens individuality. It requires refraining from enforcing our right to set rules and standards. If teens demonstrate they are trustworthy, they must be given the room to grow independently into maturity.
Theres much more to parenting than fulfilling a biological function. Responsible parents involve themselves in every aspect of their childrens growth and development. This requires being aware about their hangouts and friendships, their interests, and discouraging — even forbidding — inappropriate or dangerous acquaintances and associates. When obligated to chasten or reprimand children, parents should be driven by love, not anger; by care, not indifference; by the desire to empower rather than control.
For a parent to say I cant manage my children or child or words to that effect, is tantamount to admitting I dont know how to be a parent. Parenthood is never easy but it can be hugely rewarding if parents take their responsibilities seriously. They should never forget that the children they nurture today will be parents tomorrow.
(Dr. Augustine Pinto is a former sheriff of Mumbai and chairman of Ryan International Group of institutions. Email: chairman@ryanconnect.org)