By -My nine-year-old daughter often feels overwhelmed by schoolwork and extracurricular activities. How can we help her manage her time and stress effectively? — Vivikta Srinivas, Bengaluru Have a freewheeling conversation with your daughter to identify the specific causes of stress and difficulty. Is it the amount of homework, pressure to perform well academically, or lack of free playtime? Once you understand the root causes, you can work together to find solutions. Encourage your daughter to prioritize her tasks and activities, take short breaks, engage in physical activity, and pursue hobbies she enjoys. This will reduce stress. Here are a few suggestions to calm her down when she’s feeling overwhelmed. • Schedule activities to manage time well. • Practice deep breathing to relax physically and emotionally. • Journaling will help self-expression and stress management. My son is very shy and hesitates to speak up in class. Please suggest ways to develop his self-confidence. — Samanvika Choudhry, Delhi Start by identifying and highlighting his strengths to boost self-esteem. Encourage him to participate in small peer group discussions or one-on-one conversations with his class teacher. You could help by prepping him for these discussions. Role-play social interactions through play and positive reinforcement and praise his efforts and accomplishments — this will boost his confidence. Encourage self-expression through writing/art. Discuss with his class teacher about how your efforts can be reinforced in school. Gentle encouragement at home and school will motivate him to build confidence and become more assertive in the classroom. Be patient and consistent with your support. My eight-year-old daughter has disturbing nightmares. We’ve tried consoling her, but she is scared. Please advise. — Joshi Ronit, Mumbai When she wakes up from a nightmare, offer empathy and reassurance without dismissing her fears. Encourage her to describe the nightmare and listen attentively. This helps her process and express her emotions. Visualisation may also help — ask her to imagine a ‘magic paintbrush’ that paints dreams with vibrant colours and teach her to use positive affirmations like ‘I am brave,’ ‘I am strong,’ and ‘I can chase away scary dreams and enjoy good dreams’. You can whisper positive affirmations in her ear while sleeping. Deep breathing and meditation will calm her mind and body before sleep. Most important, maintain a consistent sleep schedule, ensuring her bedroom is cozy and dark. Avoid stimulating activities and digital screens before bedtime. If nightmares persist, consult a child psychologist. My child has started telling lies frequently. How can I address this behaviour and encourage honesty? — Jean Jacob, Trivandrum You can begin with using simple and clear language to explain the importance of honesty and consequences of telling untruths. Here are some simple ways to communicate this message. • “Remember, honesty is important. If you lie, it can hurt people’s feelings and damage relationships.” • “I appreciate your honesty when you tell me the truth, even if it’s hard.” • “Lying is not okay, but I know you can make better choices. Let’s try again.” • “Your…
– Nivedha M is a Pondicherry-based child psychologist My daughter is uninterested in her schoolwork and often procrastinates before completing it. Please share some strategies to motivate her academically. — Miraya Khan, Mumbai Talk with your child and understand the root cause of her disinterest in studies. This will enable you to address her lack of academic motivation better. Here are my recommendations. Use differential reinforcement to encourage her. For example, reward her academic efforts with small gifts or treats. Take care not to reward behaviour that distracts her from studying. Create a token economy system to manage her study habits. Ideate small tokens that she can earn for studying and can exchange for a reward later. This helps her understand the concept of working towards a goal. Set achievable goals. Encourage her to set short-term, realistic, and manageable goals. For example, she could break her lessons into small portions. Achieving small goals will give her a sense of accomplishment and confidence. Use timers during study hours. Allocate a limited amount of time for each study session using a timer to alert her when it’s over. For longer study sessions, set alarms to go off at regular intervals to allow for short breaks. Provide your full support, guiding and counseling her to overcome academic hurdles. My teenager is struggling with body image issues and low self-esteem. How can I encourage her to develop a positive self-image? — Shylaja Tharwani, Bengaluru First, encourage her to share her insecurities and fears with you. Listen non-judgmentally. Second, as a parent you need to demonstrate positive self-esteem and body image. Choose a healthy lifestyle comprising a nutritious diet, adequate sleep and regular exercise. This will motivate her to follow your example. Third, encourage her to become physically active. Teens who exercise for health rather than weight loss or gain are more likely to have a good self image. They learn to love and respect their bodies. Most important, motivate her to pursue preferred extra-curricular interests and talents. This will boost her self-confidence and esteem. My son gets extremely anxious before exams. How can I help him manage exams anxiety? — Krishiv Dutta, Delhi Value and appreciate your child’s effort, not merely the result. Please understand that his mental health is more important than exam scores. Assure him that you will value him whatever the result. Help him to prepare a daily study schedule and to-do list. This develops important organisation skills and responsibility. Motivate him to follow the schedule, to lower anxiety. It will boost academic performance. Reward his study efforts. Either by way of preparing his favorite food dish or even through verbal appreciation. This will fortify his sense of achievement and confidence. Provide a balanced diet including vegetables, fruits, whole grains, and seafood, and ensure he gets adequate sleep. My daughter is very sensitive and gets upset over small issues. Please share some tips to develop her emotional resilience? — Maria D’Souza, Mangalore Acknowledge and validate her emotions. Use a neutral tone…
My preteen son is experiencing difficulties making friends at school. How can we support him to develop social skills and forge friendships? — Dinesh Thapar, Delhi Two years of schools lockdown and social isolation during the Covid pandemic has adversely affected children’s social skills development. I suggest you increase his supervised social experiences by increasing play time outdoors as well as inviting classmates home. Ensure that the play activities are under your supervision, as it will enable you to observe your son and make note of the social skills he lacks, and accordingly focus on developing them. My teenage daughter becomes distressed over small mistakes. How can we help her embrace imperfections and overcome her perfectionist tendencies? The desire for perfection arises when one feels that their imperfections are not accepted by people. Discuss non-judgmentally with her about her fears and insecurities, encourage her to embrace failure as a learning opportunity. Also counsel her that while it’s good to do all jobs well, sometimes things don’t go as we planned, and it’s best to move on. My five-year-old daughter enjoys playing sports. Although she participates enthusiastically during practice time, she vehemently refuses to participate in any competitions. Please advise. — Shaanu Singh, Bengaluru You need to have a talk with her. Encourage her to share her fears and anxieties about playing competitively. Listen patiently, without disparaging her fears. They are real to her. Let her unburden her emotions. Don’t force her to compete. Provide unconditional support and give her time to overcome her fear of failure. My seven-year-old son gets agitated and frustrated easily when things don’t go his way. Please share some strategies to teach him resilience and adaptability. — Jiten Verma, Mumbai It will be helpful to understand what is causing your child to become agitated and frustrated. Usually, children don’t get frustrated easily. Is your son seeking control over some things that are important to him? What does he seem to be missing in life? What does he want most? Spend time with him to observe and understand his fears. Provide him opportunities to participate in enjoyable play and learning activities so that he gets positive feelings of achievement. (Dr. Priyanka Goenka is a child psychologist at Sir Ganga Ram Hospital, Delhi and co-founder of Ehsaas)
My six-year-old son seems to have trouble making friends at school. How can I support him to develop his social skills? Every child develops social skills at his own pace, so be patient and support him as he navigates the complexities of building positive relationships. Here are some ways to improve his social skills and development. Encourage him to consciously develop social skills such as active listening, empathy, and effective communication. Practice these by role-playing scenarios. Help him identify his interests and passions, and connect with others who share similar hobbies and interests, providing a foundation for friendships. Equip your child with problem-solving skills to navigate social challenges independently. Build his self-confidence by recognizing and celebrating his strengths and achievements. A confident child is more likely to befriend others with a positive attitude. Enrol your child in extracurricular activities that align with his interests. This provides additional opportunities to meet with peers who share similar interests. Organise playdates or social gatherings at home. This will facilitate the development of friendships outside of the school environment. Develop open communication with him about his social experiences. Listen attentively to his concerns and offer guidance without being judgmental. Educate your child about the qualities of a good friend, emphasizing the importance of kindness, understanding, and loyalty. Discussing these traits will help him build positive relationships. Speak with your son’s teachers to acquire insights into his social interactions at school. Collaborate on strategies to facilitate positive peer connections. If his social difficulties persist, consult the school counsellor. I’ve noticed that my seven-year-old daughter has trouble expressing her emotions. How can I teach her ways to communicate better and cope with her feelings? It’s important to create a supportive home environment where your child feels comfortable to express her emotions. Encourage open communication, active listening, and validate her feelings. Teach her simple words denoting varied emotions and ask how she feels in different situations. Introduce her to coping strategies such as deep breathing, art and craft activities or journaling to enable her to identify and express her emotions better. Additionally, be a positive role model by expressing and managing your own emotions in a healthy way. If the problem persists, consult a certified psychologist/child counselor. My four-year-old son has trouble falling asleep. What can I do to help him sleep? Try these strategies to create a calming bedtime routine and promote better sleep habits. Establish a set bedtime and wake-up routine to regulate his internal body clock, to promote a more natural sleep-wake cycle. Dim evening lights to signal that it’s time to wind down. Use soft, calm colors in his bedroom and minimise stimulating activities before bedtime. Develop a calming bedtime routine that includes activities such as book reading, taking a warm bath, or practicing mindfulness exercises. End exposure to digital screens at least an hour before bedtime. The blue light emitted from electronic devices interferes with production of sleep hormone melatonin. Create an open environment for him to share any worries or anxieties.…
I have recently moved to Mumbai, a cosmopolitan city with people from diverse cultures. My children, 8 and 12, are experiencing identity and cultural conflicts. Please suggest ways to enable children to deal with and accept cultural differences. — Meenakshi Sinha, Mumbai Acculturation requires striking a balance between adapting to the dominant culture for practical reasons while maintaining connection with one’s native culture. This equilibrium fosters a healthy sense of identity within children growing up in multicultural environments. However, even when children achieve this balance, they may have to grapple with feelings of not fully belonging to either culture. Here are my suggestions to enable children to accept cultural differences. Teach children to recognise and acknowledge differences. As little social scientists, children are keen observers, noting similarities and disparities between cultures. Embrace these observations, and encourage discussions about reasons for cultural differences of religion, regional cuisine, language etc. Encourage exploration of cultural identity. This is vital, especially for children with multiple cultural backgrounds. As early as age three-four, children begin identifying with their own cultural and racial identity through interactions with family, teachers, and local community. When they are seven-nine years, children become more attuned to group dynamics surrounding culture and race, including histories and nuances of their own identity. It’s natural for children to fluctuate in their identification with different aspects of their cultural heritage at various stages of life. Support and accept this exploration, celebrating your child’s unique cultural blend and highlighting the richness that every culture brings to their lives. Address instances of discrimination. Within multicultural societies, it’s not uncommon for children to experience overt or covert experiences of discrimination, which can deeply and adversely impact their sense of cultural identity. Encourage positive conversations around cultural identity and provide children a strong foundation for cultural self-awareness. This will mitigate effects of discrimination and empower children to navigate challenges with resilience and confidence. Engage in cultural activities that celebrate diversity. Such as cooking traditional meals, learning a new language, or participating in multi-cultural festivals. I am the mother of a toddler who is over-active but easily distracted. How can I improve her concentration span? — Leena Mittal, Delhi There are several ways you can create a secure, supportive home environment and improve her concentration skills: Create predictable and consistent schedules and routines to provide a sense of security and predictability. Provide breaks in quiet areas or spaces to help her recalibrate and reduce sensory overload. Teach coping mechanisms such as deep breathing or counting to manage overwhelming stimuli. Engage her in activities to explore her senses and develop better sensory processing skills. My son is in class IX and beginning to get stressed about school work though we don’t pressurise him to get good grades. How can I help him de-stress? — Vishwanath Menon, Bengaluru Here are a few simple ways to get your son to relax and learn. Teach him relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness, and meditation to manage stress and anxiety more effectively. Teach…
My six-year-old son becomes very anxious before attending his swimming lessons. Despite his love for swimming, this anxiety is affecting him adversely. How can I ease his pre-lessons anxiety? — Joni Sharma, Mumbai Some children tend to become anxious before starting a new activity. Here are some ways you can help him manage anxiety and build his self-confidence: Establish a routine. A consistent pre-lesson routine could include calming activities such as listening to a favourite song on the way to the pool and/or deep-breathing exercises. Gradual exposure. If possible, visit the pool on non-lesson days to familiarise him with the environment without the pressure of a lesson. This will reduce anxiety by making the setting feel more familiar. Discuss emotions. Encourage your son to articulate his emotions. You can say, “I noticed you seem worried before swimming. What makes you feel that way?” Praise your son for his courage and effort, regardless of performance. My toddler refuses to eat new food and throws tantrums when forced to try it. How can we encourage her to try new food items? — Sheeja Kumar, Chennai Introducing new foods to toddlers is challenging, but there are ways to make the experience less stressful and more successful. Here are some suggestions: Take small steps. Start by introducing a small portion of the new food item alongside familiar favorites. Don’t pressure her to eat it. Make it fun. Turn trying new foods into a game. You can create a ‘food adventure’ where each new food is part of a story or pretend play. For example, ‘Today, we’re trying broccoli trees from the dinosaur forest!’ Also involve her in the food preparation process. Copy the monkey. Eat the new item yourself and show enjoyment. Children often imitate their parents, so if she sees you happily eating it, she may be more inclined to try it. Consistency and patience. It often takes multiple exposures to a new food before a child will accept it. Keep offering it without pressuring her. Celebrate small victories, such as her touching or smelling the food. My ten-year-old son exhibits excessive worry and fear of exams. How can we help him manage his exam-related stress and anxiety? — Gina Thomas, Bengaluru First, make sure he feels comfortable talking about his fears and anxieties. Listen to him non-judgmentally and let him know it’s normal to feel nervous about exams. Encourage him to establish a regular study routine to avoid the panic of last-minute cramming, and break down lessons into small chunks. Teach him relaxation techniques such as deep breathing or mindfulness exercises to calm the mind. Encourage a positive mindset by praising his effort, not just scores, and use positive self-talk. Provide him a quiet, organized place to study at home and encourage him to take regular breaks to avoid burnout. Doing drill exams and learning time management skills will help him get used to the exam format and feel more confident. Moreover provide him a balanced diet, ensure he gets adequate sleep,…
My nine-year-old son is struggling academically, and I’m very concerned about his years in school. Please advise. — Ritika Soma, Mumbai Here are some suggestions to support your son’s learning and academic difficulties: Understand his academic challenges. Invest time and effort to understand your son’s specific academic challenges and learning style. Talk to his teachers, review his schoolwork, and observe his study habits to identify areas of difficulty. Create a supportive home environment. Establish a positive and supportive environment at home that encourages learning and growth. Provide a quiet and organised space for study, free from distractions. Encourage open communication and be available to help with homework and school projects. Set realistic expectations. Be realistic about your son’s academic capabilities and set achievable goals. Focus on progress rather than perfection, and celebrate effort and milestones along the way. Encourage effective study habits. Teach him effective study techniques, such as time management, organisation, and active learning strategies. For instance, teach him to break down lessons into smaller, manageable portions and establish a consistent study routine. Provide emotional support. Acknowledge that academic struggles are emotionally challenging for children. Offer your support, empathy, encouragement, and reassurance, and most important, teach him coping mechanisms to manage academic stress and frustration. Maintain a healthy balance. Ensure your son maintains a healthy balance between academics, co-curricular activities, physical exercise and downtime. Encourage regular exercise, healthy eating habits, and adequate sleep to support overall well-being, which will boost cognitive functioning. Seek additional support if needed. Consider private tutoring, doing a psychological assessment and/or other academic interventions. My child is experiencing a major life transition. We are moving cities and she dreads attending a new school. She is not good at making friends. How can I help her navigate this change and cope with the associated stress? — Joshini Mathew, Chennai Navigating such transitions is challenging for children. Here are some ways you can enable her to adjust to change and cope with the stress: Encourage age-appropriate conversations. Children are not always able to express their emotions verbally, and internalise their feelings of anxiety and stress. It’s important that you initiate age-appropriate conversations with your daughter about moving to a new city, explain the reasons and address her questions and fears. Acknowledge her emotions. Validating your daughter’s emotions is essential during this time of change. Let her know that it’s normal to be apprehensive, sad, and excited about the imminent migration. Acknowledge her emotions without judgement and reassure her that you’re there to support her every step of the way. Maintain routine and stability. Amidst the uncertainty of change, maintaining your daily routine provides children with a sense of security and stability. Try to maintain the daily family routine such as mealtimes, bedtime rituals, and family activities. Predictability will alleviate anxiety and create a sense of normalcy during the transition. Encourage social connections. Encourage your daughter to maintain connections with friends, family members, and other supportive individuals during the transition. After moving, encourage her to make new friends,…
I have recently moved to Mumbai, a cosmopolitan city with people from diverse cultures. My children, 8 and 12, are experiencing identity and cultural conflicts. Please suggest ways to enable children to deal with and accept cultural differences. — Meenakshi Sinha, Mumbai Acculturation requires striking a balance between adapting to the dominant culture for practical reasons while maintaining connection with one’s native culture. This equilibrium fosters a healthy sense of identity within children growing up in multicultural environments. However, even when children achieve this balance, they may have to grapple with feelings of not fully belonging to either culture. Here are my suggestions to enable children to accept cultural differences. Teach children to recognise and acknowledge differences. As little social scientists, children are keen observers, noting similarities and disparities between cultures. Embrace these observations, and encourage discussions about reasons for cultural differences of religion, regional cuisine, language etc. Encourage exploration of cultural identity. This is vital, especially for children with multiple cultural backgrounds. As early as age three-four, children begin identifying with their own cultural and racial identity through interactions with family, teachers, and local community. When they are seven-nine years, children become more attuned to group dynamics surrounding culture and race, including histories and nuances of their own identity. It’s natural for children to fluctuate in their identification with different aspects of their cultural heritage at various stages of life. Support and accept this exploration, celebrating your child’s unique cultural blend and highlighting the richness that every culture brings to their lives. Address instances of discrimination. Within multicultural societies, it’s not uncommon for children to experience overt or covert experiences of discrimination, which can deeply and adversely impact their sense of cultural identity. Encourage positive conversations around cultural identity and provide children a strong foundation for cultural self-awareness. This will mitigate effects of discrimination and empower children to navigate challenges with resilience and confidence. Engage in cultural activities that celebrate diversity. Such as cooking traditional meals, learning a new language, or participating in multi-cultural festivals. I am the mother of a toddler who is over-active but easily distracted. How can I improve her concentration span? — Leena Mittal, Delhi There are several ways you can create a secure, supportive home environment and improve her concentration skills: Create predictable and consistent schedules and routines to provide a sense of security and predictability. Provide breaks in quiet areas or spaces to help her recalibrate and reduce sensory overload. Teach coping mechanisms such as deep breathing or counting to manage overwhelming stimuli. Engage her in activities to explore her senses and develop better sensory processing skills. My son is in class IX and beginning to get stressed about school work though we don’t pressurise him to get good grades. How can I help him de-stress? — Vishwanath Menon, Bengaluru Here are a few simple ways to get your son to relax and learn. Teach him relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness, and meditation to manage stress and anxiety more effectively. Teach…
My six-year-old son becomes anxious before attending his swimming lessons. Despite his love for swimming, this anxiety is affecting his enthusiasm. Please recommend strategies to ease his pre-lessons anxiety. — Lekha Sharma, Bengaluru Pre-performance anxiety, aka stage fright or anticipatory anxiety, is caused by a combination of psychological, physiological, and environmental factors. They include fear of failure, perceived lack of control over the situation or outcome of a performance, fear of being judged or evaluated negatively, past negative experiences, setting unrealistic expectations for oneself, and personality traits, such as perfectionism or high sensitivity to criticism. Encourage open two-way communication with your son to express any fears he may have about swimming. Reinforce the positive aspects of swimming. Encourage him to focus on the process, not outcome. Praise his efforts and accomplishments, both big and small, to boost his confidence and make the experience more enjoyable. Ask him to visualize a positive and enjoyable swimming experience to create a positive mind-set before every lesson. Practicing relaxation techniques such as deep breathing or warm-up exercises such as bending, stretching etc, also helps. My son (7) gets agitated and frustrated easily when things don’t go as planned. Please suggest some ways to teach him resilience and adaptability. — Vinola Peter, Chennai Teaching resilience and adaptability to a seven-year-old involves modeling resilient behaviour, encouraging problem-solving, and providing positive reinforcement for efforts made. Develop emotional awareness by encouraging your son to identify and manage his emotions, while promoting resilience through gradual exposure to new experiences. Celebrate mistakes as learning opportunities, establish predictable routines while allowing for flexibility, and encourage perspective-taking and reflection on challenging situations. Finally, provide a supportive environment where he feels safe to express his emotions and ask for your guidance. Through consistent practice and nurturing, these strategies can enable him develop valuable resilience and adaptability skills. My nine-year-old daughter feels overwhelmed by schoolwork and extracurricular activities. How can we teach her to manage her time and stress effectively? — Mira Joshi, Mumba Start by creating a simple schedule together to cover homework, extra-curricular activities, and relaxation time. Break tasks into small bits to make them less overwhelming and encourage her to estimate tasks completion time. Emphasise the importance of short breaks, physical exercise, and adequate sleep for overall well-being. Teach her relaxation techniques such as deep breathing and let her know that it’s okay to make mistakes and ask for help. Also reduce her activities load if she’s feeling overwhelmed. More importantly, lead by example with healthy habits in your own life and provide full support and comfort when she feels stressed and anxious. With your guidance and support, she can learn to manage her time and stress well. Lately my son (11) is displaying signs of low self-esteem and self-doubt. What can we parents do to boost his confidence and self-worth? — Kirin Bagade, Delhi Boosting an 11-year-old’s confidence and self-worth involves identifying his strengths and interests, creating opportunities for success, and encouraging him to explore his interests. Provide supportive feedback…
My daughter (8) often wakes up in the night complaining of nightmares. We’ve tried consoling her, but she gets very distressed. How can we help her cope with recurring nightmares? — Disha Patel, Ahmedabad Dreams are a natural component of sleep, and sometimes they can be unsettling. Addressing nightmares in children is critical to ensuring they have restful sleep and maintain overall emotional well-being. Here are some ways to ease her distress: Create a calming bedtime routine. Establish a consistent and calming bedtime routine. This can include activities such as reading a book, listening to soothing music, or practicing mind relaxation exercises. Address possible triggers. Pay attention to any potential triggers for the nightmares. It could be something she watched on television, read, or experienced during the day. Eliminate exposure to violent/horror content before bedtime. Encourage self-expression. Create an open and non-judgmental environment for your daughter to express her emotions. This reduces anxiety and prevents it from manifesting in her dreams. Empower with positive imagery. Encourage her to create a positive mental image when she feels scared. This can be a favourite memory or comforting thought she can revisit when distressed. Night light or comfort object. Provide a subdued night light or allow her to sleep with a comforting object, such as a stuffed animal or blanket. Limit screen time before bedtime. Reduce exposure to screens (TV, computer, mobile phones, etc) at least one to two hours before bedtime. Remember that every child is unique, and it may take some trial and error to find what works best for your daughter. If the problem persists, consult a counselor. Whenever my toddler encounters new foods, she refuses to eat them and throws tantrums. How can we encourage her to try new foods without causing mealtime stress? — Rohini Deshpande, Mumbai Try these strategies to make the introduction of new foods a positive and enjoyable experience for your toddler. Role modelling. Demonstrate a positive attitude towards trying new foods yourself. Children often imitate the behaviour of adults, and seeing you enjoy a variety of foods will encourage her to follow suit. Offer choices. Provide your child with food choices. This will give her a sense of control over her meal and will encourage her to try new foods and dishes. Food presentation. Present new dishes in creative and visually appealing ways. Use interesting shapes, colours, or arrange the fare in a playful manner on the plate. This will make the meal experience more engaging for her. Gradual introduction. Introduce new foods gradually, alongside familiar ones. This allows her to develop a taste for new flavors over time. Be patient and persistent. It may take several attempts before your toddler is willing to try a new dish. Be patient and avoid pressuring her. Maintain a positive and relaxed atmosphere during mealtimes. Celebrate small wins. Praise and celebrate small victories, even if it’s a tiny taste or willingness to explore new cuisine. Positive reinforcement is a strong motivator. Limit snacking. Limit snacks close to…
My five-year-old daughter loves playing with her girlfriends but is shy about playing with boys. My daughter has no siblings and I wonder if that’s the reason. Sometimes I feel guilty about not having another child. How can I help her overcome her shyness? — Maria Julius, Chennai Shyness is common in children. You need to encourage her to be more outgoing. Start by encouraging her to play around boys, if not with them. Devise a more managable strategy by setting small goals for her and appreciating her when she achieves them. For example, saying ‘hello’ to one boy per day. It’s important that these efforts are appreciated. Moreover, share incidents from your own childhood to show her how you dealt with male-female interactions. Also try to find out if any boys in her peer group have been making fun of her or bullying her. If so, this could be a cause of her reluctance to play with them. My son (8) wants to qualify as a scientist. I would like to encourage him to explore science subjects. Please advise. — Karthika Varun, Bengaluru You could introduce him to children’s books on science/astronomy, arrange visits to a science museum/ planetariums and download online apps which encourage children to explore the sciences. This will help him learn about the subject. That said, children’s career goals frequently change with time. So don’t be surprised if few months down the line, he decides he wants to become an artist! My son loves playing with dolls with his sister. He is six and she is four years old. Sometimes, my grandparents shout at him and say, ‘You are not a girl, so don’t play with dolls!’ I don’t want him to be exposed to such sexist comments. I believe it’s ok for male children to play with dolls or kitchen sets. How do I gently tell my grandparents to avoid gender stereotyping? — Shylaja Suresh, Hyderabad You need to discuss this issue and tell them that a playtime activity is not connected with his gender. Besides, it is helping him bond with his sister. This bond might be adversely affected because of their comments. But be prepared that because of the generation gap, they will still take some time to appreciate your point of view. Be patient and continue to communicate your point of view politely. Most important, your continued support and appreciation to your son is important to reassure him and inculcate gender sensitivity. (An alumnus of NIMHANS, Dr. Sachin Baliga is a well-known mental health professional and a psychiatric consultant at Fortis Hospital, Bengaluru) Also read: Empower your introvert child
My three-year-old daughter was recently diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). We are consulting a child psychologist. It’s becoming very challenging to cope with the situation. Please help. — Kshiti Mehta, Delhi Parenting a child with autism is not easy. I recommend the following: Educate yourself. Research and educate yourself about ASD. The more you know about ASD, the easier it will become to understand and relate to your daughter’s behaviour. Consistency and routine. Be consistent with your child’s routine and encourage learning by repetition. This will provide her a sense of security and well-being. Self-care. Parents of children with special needs often neglect their own needs. Make time for self-care by requesting extended family/ friends to help out, and/or rescheduling your child’s classes or therapies. Remember that every child with autism is unique. Consult a healthcare professional to develop a customised plan that addresses your daughter’s specific needs and strengths. My son is 17 months old. However he doesn’t point to anything, and if we ask him to do it, he turns his face away and stops responding. He is also uncommunicative. When I take him to the park, he wants to play alone. Please advise —Risha Parek, Mumbai When toddlers don’t display common, expected early childhood behaviour, it’s important to identify and investigate the problem. Early intervention, assessment and treatment are invaluable. Consult a pediatrician, child psychologist or child development specialist. They will assess and determine if your son’s behaviour is within the range of typical development or further evaluation is required. Every child is unique, and professional guidance offers the best course of action. Active intervention leads to good results in the long run, so don’t hesitate to consult a professional. My seven-year-old daughter has autism spectrum disorder (ASD). She has been undergoing therapy since the age of four. Now she is somewhat adjusting to a normal school routine. However I feel I can do more to help her do well in school. Please advise —Tina Deshpande, Bengaluru With therapy and interventions, it’s possible for autistic children to do well in school. Here are some simple ways you can help her: Visual aids. Abstract concepts may be difficult for her to understand. Use visual aids to help her learn, remember and understand. For example, a visual representation of numbers using an abacus will make it easier for her to understand counting. Positive reinforcement. An autistic child may need much more encouragement than others, which she may not receive in school. Constantly recognise and praise her efforts and encourage her to do better. Sensory sensitivities. Be observant and vigilant. If she is experiencing difficulty in crafts, sports or other activities due to sensory problems, inform her teacher that she needs additional attention. Social skills. Encourage her to learn from and develop social skills of classmates. My child is autistic. It’s becoming challenging…Play and engagement. Your child needs to engage in a variety of play activities that boost fine motor and coordination skills. (Shubhada Shekar is a child counsellor,…
My son is seven years old. When the lights are off, he is scared of ghosts. We have tried reassuring him but he is still petrified. We use a nightlight to reassure him. How can we help him overcome his fear of the dark? — Deepa Jeetu, Delhi * It’s essential to acknowledge your son’s fear and let him know that it’s okay to feel scared. * Have a conversation about ghosts and explain that they’re not real. Use age-appropriate and comforting language to reassure him. * Support him to confront his fear by gradually reducing reliance on the nightlight. Start by dimming the light a little every night until he feels comfortable in the dark. Moreover, to prepare your children to face challenges and situations, I strongly recommend: • Let your son know that you’re there for him and that he can always come to you with his fears and troubles. • Establish a predictable routine which will give him a sense of stability and security. • If your son’s fears persist and significantly affect daily lives, consider consulting a paediatrician or child psychologist for professional guidance and support. Remember, patience, understanding, and love are key to enabling children to navigate and overcome their fears and insecurities. My five-year-old son cries inconsolably whenever I drop him to his karate class. After some time, he is ok. Please advise. — Simi Prajjun, Hyderabad You need to support him to overcome his fears. Here are some suggestions. • Discuss with him if he has any concerns regarding the karate class. Ask open-ended questions to understand why he’s upset. • Tell him that it’s normal to feel scared or sad initially, but he’ll enjoy once he begins the class. Reinforce positive aspects of karate and the benefits he’ll gain from attending classes. • You need to gradually expose him to the environment and activities of the karate class outside of class time. This will make him more comfortable with the setting and routine. My daughter is an extrovert and speaks easily with strangers. I don’t think it’s safe. I also think her super-friendly behaviour is a camouflage for her insecurity. How do I explain to her that it’s not safe to mingle with strangers? — Revati Kumar, Chennai Start by having age-appropriate conversations with your daughter about personal safety. Teach her about personal boundaries and whom to trust. It’s also important that you monitor her interactions with strangers and gently guide her towards appropriate social behaviour and precautions. Moreover, boost her self-confidence and self-esteem so she doesn’t seek validation from strangers. Encourage her to develop strong relationships within family and close friends. (Dr. Mazher Ali is consultant, psychiatry, CARE Hospitals, Hyderabad)
My eight-year-old is afraid of the dark. How do I help him overcome this fear? —Kara Abraham, Trivandrum Fear and anxiety are ubiquitous; some have it more than others. Many a time, specific types of fears run in families. Or there may be some incident which has triggered this fear. Make an effort to understand the cause of his fear, and help him cope with it. You could introduce him to positive self-suggestion, such as telling yourself, “I am not afraid”, and narrate stories of superheroes. Maybe he will feel more confident with some kind of totem in hand, that signifies power to protect. Be supportive and don’t ridicule his fear of the dark. My daughter is very sensitive and gets upset when teased by friends. Of late, she has become more withdrawn. Please advise. — Mira Shanmugam, Chennai Depending on her age, you could have a chat with her about what’s bothering her. She might be finding it hard to cope with the teasing and bullying. Sometimes, sharing what you might’ve faced during your own school days and ways you dealt with it helps. Explain to her that it’s natural to have insecurities and reassure her of your full support. Many girl children, especially during their teenage years, become conscious of their body image and develop self-confidence issues. However, if you feel it’s beginning to adversely affect her academic focus, interaction with peers, sleep and appetite, consult a mental health professional. My daughter does all her school work but she completes it more slowly than others. I wonder if she has a learning/concentration problem. — Himanshi Rishi, Delhi There could be several reasons. Does she have difficulty focusing on tasks at hand? Does she have difficulty with specific subjects, or in general? Or is she finding her school difficult? Or she could be suffering from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, a specific learning or intellectual disability. Or it could even be because she has vision or hearing problems. It’s best to get her evaluated by a psychiatrist. My grandmother always talks negatively about my daughter. I’ve tried reasoning with her but there’s no change in her attitude. How can I ensure my daughter is not affected by this negativity? — Jemima Das, Hyderabad It’s a good idea to introduce your daughter to the concept of beliefs and self-worth. Explain to her the background/context of her grandmother and how with age people become rigid in their thinking. Moreover every person has their own point of view, depending on age, gender, education, culture and belief systems. And one can never change the way everyone around us thinks. However, developing a strong inner sense of self-worth, confidence and ability to shrug off negativity will ensure that she will take it on the chin and move on. (An alumnus of NIMHANS, Dr. Sachin Baliga is a well-known mental health professional and a psychiatric consultant at Fortis Hospital, Bengaluru)
My ten-year-old son is aggressive and short-tempered. On some occasions he has also hit himself. In school too, he gets into fights with classmates. I am very worried. Please advise. — Shruti Deshpande, Mumbai I’m sure it’s distressing to see your son display aggressive behaviour and harm himself. I recommend that you consult a professional psychologist/counselor to determine if there are any underlying mental health conditions such as ADHD, anxiety or depression. You could also do the following: Teach and model positive coping skills such as ways to manage anger and frustration. These include deep breathing and mindfulness exercises. Also encourage him to develop hobbies and pursue extra-curricular interests such as sports and music. Encourage your son to identify the factors triggering aggressive behaviour so that he can learn to recognise them when he is upset and develop anger management skills. Speak with your son’s class teacher/ school counsellor and develop a plan to address his aggression. Most important, please remember it may take some time to see behaviour improvements. Be patient and seek support from professionals and your son’s school counselors. Despite many warnings at home and in school, my 15-year-old son persists with using abusive language. Any suggestions on how to address this problem? — Vinay Chakraborty, Delhi I suggest the following guidelines: Talk to your son. Have a heart-to-heart conversation with your son. Make sincere efforts to understand his reasons for using abusive language. Be calm, non-judgemental, and listen to his perspective. Set clear rules. Let your son know in clear terms that abusive language is unacceptable. Set clear consequences for recalcitrant behaviour and don’t hesitate to enforce them. Speak to the school counselor. It is important to work with your son’s teachers, including school counsellor/psychologist. My eight-year-old is hyperactive. Teachers complain that he won’t sit in one place in the classroom. Please help.. — Ishvi Gupta, Hyderabad It’s challenging for teachers to manage hyper-active children as it not only adversely affects their learning but also that of peers. I recommend that you: Talk to your child’s class teacher and counselor and create a structured classroom routine that he should follow. Encourage him to participate in physical activity and sports. Use positive discipline and reinforcement. Seek an evaluation from a mental health professional or paediatrician to determine if he has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) that may be causing his restiveness. It’s pertinent to highlight that every child is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. Be patient and continue to work with your son’s teachers and other professionals to explore strategies that suit him. (Shubhada Shekar is a counsellor and special educator, Christ Nagar Junior School, Thiruvananthapuram)
My four-year-old son spends much of the day watching cartoons and videos on the smartphone. I am worried! Can this excess screen time affect his brain development? Also recommend some ways to cut back on screen time. — Girija Ganesh, Hyderabad Digital addiction among children is a common 21st century malaise. It’s now well-established that prolonged and unregulated usage of smartphones adversely affects children’s physical and mental well-being. Here are some ways to break his digital addiction: Prescribe a screen time limit and adhere to it strictly Identify non-digital interests such as sports and music and create opportunities for him to engage in these activities Avoid using the smartphone as a reward or distraction Set an hour for family discourse every day during which all family members are proscribed from accessing any electronic device including television Multiple scientific studies have linked excessive digital addiction with mental health problems such as depression, anxiety and sleep disorders. Some warning signs indicating severe smartphone addiction include: Withdrawal-like symptoms when children are forbidden to use the smartphone Anxiety or constant worry about whereabouts of the smartphone Self-isolation Excessive urgency to get hold of the smartphone. If you observe any of these symptoms, consult a psychiatrist/ clinical psychologist for evaluation, as early diagnosis and treatment is important. My six-year-old son is good in studies. But he makes spelling mistakes, and the mistakes are often with similar-looking alphabets. Does my son need to be evaluated for learning disability? — Jeanna Thomas, Trivandrum It’s not unusual for young children to make spelling mistakes. In particular, it’s normative for children in kindergarten to spell most words wrong. Reversing alphabets and getting confused between b and d is also common in early readers and writers. If your son continues to have problems with spelling in class II, then I suggest you consult a psychiatrist/psychologist for detailed assessment of specific learning disability and/or neuro-developmental delay. Meanwhile encourage him to slow down while writing and spend time practising spellings of age-appropriate words. My daughter (8) wets her bed at night twice or three times per week. Please advise. — Concerned mother, Pune Though most children stop bedwetting aka nocturnal enuresis by age five, a significant minority — 10 percent — continue to wet their bed up to seven years of age. Here are some ways to help your daughter cope with this problem. Limit fluid intake two to three hours before bedtime Encourage her to use the toilet last thing at night and first thing in the morning Encourage her to use the toilet every two hours during daytime If your child continues bed-wetting even after following good voiding habits, consult your paediatrician or a psychiatrist as some children may need medication to cope with nocturnal enuresis. (Dr. Sudharani P. Naik is a consultant psychiatrist for the District Mental Health Programme – Mysore)
My eight-year-old son is a loner. He doesn’t have the confidence to make friends. How do I get him to become more social and outgoing? — Vinu Thomas, Chennai There are several ways you can support your child: Gently encourage him to participate in social activities/events. Praise him for his attempts. If he has an anxious reaction to a social situation, speak positively and help him overcome his anxiety. Don’t punish or scold him for failing to behave as expected. Praise the effort. Avoid speaking for your child. Even if it takes some time or hesitation, it’s important he speaks for himself. Tell your child’s school teacher about his social anxiety and request her support. If the situation doesn’t improve, consult a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist for screening him for communication and anxiety disorders. My ten-year-old daughter keeps forgetting to finish her homework and other chores but otherwise she is normal. Is there cause for worry? — Vinaya Shiva, Bengaluru I understand your concern. There could be various reasons why she is forgetful and/or paying inadequate attention to her homework and other tasks. I suggest you consult a psychiatrist who will conduct a detailed evaluation and check for learning disabilities, attention deficit hyperactive disorder, etc. Don’t delay the consultation as early intervention yields better prognosis and treatment. My child is anxious as she is shifting to a new school from the new academic year. Will this move adversely affect her mental health? — Disha Agarwal, Pune It’s natural for your child to be anxious about moving to a new school. Here are some ways you can smooth this transition: Encourage her to discuss her fears and anxieties with you. Reassure her this is normal. Talk positively about the new school, highlight its plus points. Check if you can introduce her to some classmates in the new school. Try to set up playdates with them. Visit the school with her so it looks familiar. Share stories from your school days and extracurricular activities that you enjoyed. Highlight extra-curricular activities at the new school. Practice school-related activities or processes, such as trying on the uniform and browsing through class textbooks. My four-year-old daughter is very attached to me. Sometimes I have to leave her with my in-laws, during which time she becomes very irritable and cries a lot. Please advise. — Mrinalini Sinha, Mumbai Separation anxiety is a normal part of a child’s development. It begins at eight-12 months and recurs multiple times until age four/five. Your child’s unwillingness to leave you is a good sign that healthy attachment has developed between the two of you. But she gradually needs to overcome separation anxiety. Reassure her that whenever she is with others, it’s temporary, and you will return to collect her. It may also help to leave her with relatives initially for short durations so that she gets time to develop coping skills. (Dr. Sudharani P. Naik is a consultant psychologist for the District Mental Health Programme — Mysuru; Viveka Psychiatry Clinic…
My seven-year-old son has dyscalculia, and is also facing memory issues. Is medical intervention required? — Rishika Singh, Delhi If you suspect that your son has dyscalculia i.e, a math learning disorder, and is experiencing memory issues, it’s advisable to consult a child psychologist for a complete evaluation. A professional assessment will identify the nature and severity of his learning difficulty and recommend appropriate interventions. In the meantime, provide your son learning support at home. You could use visual aids and practice basic math concepts with him. Also talk to special educators at his school and ask for extra support. I am a math teacher for classes III-VIII. I have a few children with learning problems in my class. What strategies can I use to help them? — Rizwan Sheikh, Hyderabad As a math teacher, it’s important to understand that students with dyscalculia have difficulty understanding basic numerical concepts and arithmetic skills such as counting and number recognition. Here are some techniques you can use to support them: Use multi-sensory pedagogies Break down math problems into small steps Provide additional practice Use technology Provide positive reinforcement Work closely with parents Remember that every child with dyscalculia is different. So it’s important to be patient, flexible and adapt your teaching strategies to meet individual needs. My ten-year-old daughter has difficulty learning mathematics. In my childhood, I also struggled with maths. Is dyscalculia inherited from parents? — Leena Thomas, Thiruvananthapuram Dyscalculia is a learning disorder that affects a person’s ability to understand numbers. Typically, it’s not inherited from parents, in the same way as other genetic conditions. However, there is some evidence to suggest that dyscalculia may have a genetic component, as it often runs in families. Environmental factors such as lack of exposure to math concepts or inadequate instruction could also contribute to dyscalculia. It is important to note that struggling with math does not necessarily mean your daughter has dyscalculia. It is possible that she merely needs additional support in school and at home to improve her skills. I recommend you consult a counsellor or special educator who will conduct a thorough assessment and offer recommendations for appropriate interventions. (Shubhada Shekar is a counselor and special educator, Christ Nagar Public School, Trivandrum)
My 12-year-old son is unable to complete his notes in school. He is a slow writer and his handwriting is also illegible. How can I improve his handwriting? — Revathi Krishna, Chennai There could be several reasons for your son’s illegible handwriting and slow writing speed. They include: Some children experience delay in fine motor skills development, making it difficult for them to write quickly and legibly. Incorrect body posture and hand grip also affect writing speed and quality. Writing is a skill that requires practice. Encourage him to practice; it will improve his handwriting and speed. Learning difficulties such as dyslexia or dysgraphia. To improve his handwriting, encourage him to sit upright and hold the pencil correctly. You could also provide him writing exercises that focus on letter formation, spacing and consistency. If his difficulties persist, consult a special educator who can provide additional support and remedial strategies. My five-year-old son was a premature baby and has a speech delay. I am worried he could develop a learning disability. Please advise. — Shriram Hegde, Bangalore It’s a myth that a premature infant with speech delay will automatically develop learning problems. However it’s important to monitor your son’s development milestones and identify any potential learning difficulty early on. My suggestions: Consult a pediatrician or clinical psychologist who will assess your child’s development milestones and recommend interventions, if necessary. Early remedial intervention is critical. Keep track of his development milestones. These include his ability to follow instructions, recognise alphabets and numbers and interact with peers. Observe your child’s behaviour and learning style. Some children may struggle with certain subjects but excel in others. Understanding your child’s strengths and weaknesses will help you identify any potential learning difficulty. Communicate regularly with his speech language pathologist, as well as school teacher and counsellor. They can provide valuable insights into his progress. Every child develops at her own pace. By being proactive and fully involved in your child’s education, you can help him realise his full potential. My ten-year-old daughter is scoring poorly in school exams. I have observed that she has difficulty reading and especially learning spellings. Does she need special education? — Minu Tagore, Kolkata It is understandable that you are concerned about your daughter’s poor academic performance. Difficulty with reading and spelling could be indicative a learning disability such as dyslexia. I recommend you speak to your daughter’s school counselor and request an evaluation to determine if she needs special support. There are also several steps you can take to support your daughter’s learning at home. Some suggestions: Read with your daughter every day and ask her questions about the story to develop her comprehension skills. Help her practice spellings and phonetical sounds of letters. Use games and activities such as word puzzles to make learning joyful. Celebrate your daughter’s progress and achievements to build her confidence and motivation. (Shubhada Shekar is a counselor and special educator, Christ Nagar…
My six-year old son is distracted and unfocused. I suspect he could be suffering from autism. What are the signs of autism disorder? — Krithika Reddy, Bengaluru You need to closely monitor your child’s development milestones such as speech, inter-personal and emotional skills. Some signs to look out for: He doesn’t gesticulate or uses fewer gestures such as pointing to something. Speech tone and/or rhythm are strange. Repeats words without any intention of communication. Opts for solitude over playing with peers. Not interested in what’s happening around him. Doesn’t participate in group activities and/or shows disinterest. Doesn’t welcome changes in daily routine or environment If you discern one or more of these signs consult an expert immediately. Early intervention and therapy is critical. My daughter is autistic. What are the main problems of autistic children when playing with peers? How can I help her? — Sahida Begum, Hyderabad Any type of group activity needs cooperative behaviour with all agreeing to work to accomplish the task by following instructions, sharing and/or taking turns. However autistic children don’t respond positively to group activities and/or peer play. This is because of several reasons: Autistic children take extra time to understand instructions and are uneasy if too many instructions are given. Language skills are not fully developed and most of the time it is hard for them to follow instructions. Social interaction is a challenge because they are unable to control/manage their emotions. Sensory issues also pose problems as many autistic children cannot tolerate high noise levels. Here are some ways you can help your daughter: Give short and clear instructions Provide enough time to understand and follow instructions Repeat instructions until understood Praise and encourage her My six-year-old daughter is mildly autistic. Should I enroll her in a mainstream school? — Varun Johann, Delhi A special school provides children with disability specialised support and guidance to realise their education potential. You need to evaluate the learning and communication capabilities of your daughter before making this decision. If she is able to communicate and understand instructions clearly, it’s advisable to enrol her in a mainstream school equipped with special educators. Or you could opt for a special school during the primary years and after improvement shift her to regular school. (Ritu Jain is founder of Solicitude Parenting, Bangalore, and parenting advisor for children with autism, ADHD and developmental delays)
My eight-year-old daughter doesn’t listen to instructions and is out of control. She is also very hyperactive. Please advise. — Sanvi Mehta, Mumbai There may be many reasons why your daughter is “out of control”. The antidote depends on whether this is recent or consistent behaviour pattern. If it’s recent, there may be something troubling your daughter either at school, home or with friends. Instead of scolding her, find out what’s bothering her. Spend quality time with her — take her out to the park or play a board game. When she is relaxed and appreciative of your comforting presence, she is likely to open up about her problems. If she still continues to be unruly, set limits and sanctions and explain clearly the consequences of breaking them. Be firm about enforcing set rules and limits. On the other hand, if this is a persistent behaviour pattern for many years, it could be due to her being hyperactive. Consult a professional therapist/ counsellor for advice. My four-year-old son is very naughty. He doesn’t listen to me and throws tantrums if his demands are not met. He strikes back whenever I hit him. Please advise. — Suzanne Thomas, Bangalore You have not mentioned whether he is an only child. If children are given anything they demand from early age, they become used to instant gratification. Also, if one parent is strict and the other indulgent, the child gets mixed signals and will play off one parent against the other. Both parents should be on the same page on the issue of disciplining children. You need to focus on setting rules and limits and explain the consequences of violating them. Teach him gratitude and to be thankful for gifts and favours he receives. Moreover I suggest you use positive discipline and reinforcement. Make a star chart and for every good action/behaviour, award him a star. If he collects a certain number of stars, offer a reward such as a surprise gift or an outing in the park. My son (17) is very immature and irresponsible. He doesn’t help in household chores and often teases his siblings. He will turn 18 in a few months. Should I expect some maturity then? — Vinodini Kumar, Chennai In Indian households, male children are usually not encouraged to help with household chores. If you haven’t encouraged your son from an early age to do kitchen/laundry and other chores, you can’t suddenly expect him to turn a new leaf. Moreover, he is experiencing the turbulence of adolescence, a time when children tend to rebel and question parental authority. During the tumultuous adolescence years, children need the love, support and guidance of parents. Encourage him to enrol in life skills education and development programmes and also actively participate in team sports and games. My nine-year-old son is very lazy. When I tell him to complete his homework or help with household chores, he ignores me. How can I make him more responsible? — Deena Jose, Trivandrum It’s important…
My 15-year-daughter who is slightly overweight, is being bullied by her friends because of it. I tried many ways to console her but to no avail. How can I help her? — Malathy Sukumar, Chennai As a first step, express empathy. Then, encourage her to ideate solutions to the bullying situation and discuss their pros and cons together. Share your perspective too. Advise her not to react and respond aggressively when she is subjected to harsh comments. Often aggressive verbal or non-verbal reactions provide the bully more power. Rehearse different bullying scenarios together and her response to them. My six-year-old son talks in his sleep. Mostly, we can’t make out what he is saying. Is this normal or should I be worried? — Shefali Sinha, Mumbai It’s not uncommon for children to talk in their sleep. He could be excited or worried about a forthcoming event such as a school test, holiday, etc. My advice is to refrain from telling him about his sleep talking habit as it can make him anxious and adversely affect his sleep. Instead, speak and discuss casually with him about what you heard while he talked in his sleep. Children usually outgrow this habit. My son (10) has started keeping secrets from me. When he is caught doing something he isn’t supposed to be doing, he chooses to lie. I have tried to educate him, but he still persists with this behaviour. How can I resolve this problem? — Geetu Singh, Delhi Often pre-teen children want their personal space, independence, and want to resolve problems themselves, which is why they may keep secrets or lie. As a parent, you need to be calm and restrained as angry outbursts and lecturing sessions will be unproductive. The best way to resolve this is by initiating a one-on-one discussion during which you share your concerns. You could perhaps say: “I feel hurt because you told me something which was not true or I felt bad that you did not tell me the truth.” But make sure the discussion doesn’t become about you, it’s about him. He hasn’t lied to hurt you intentionally. Encourage him to see the problem from your perspective and that his persistent untruthfulness will make it difficult for you to trust him again. My 17-year-old son enjoys gossiping about his friends. I know this is not a desirable character building trait but I hesitate to tell him to stop because I don’t want to offend him. Please advise. — Mrinalini Vinay, Bengaluru There’s no quick fix here. You need to invest time and effort to build an emotional connect and rapport with your son. Start by spending quality exclusive time with him every day. During these one-on-one sessions, encourage him to reflect upon his gossip habit and share your perspective in a non-judgmental manner. With teens, you need to suggest and discuss; teaching, telling and preaching is unlikely to work. (Rajat Soni is a New Delhi-based teen-life and parenting coach and author of Un-Judge Your…
My seven-year-old son has anger management issues. Sometimes when he is very angry, he bangs his head against walls. Please help! — Sheela Roy, Chennai You need to ascertain the root causes of your son’s anger. Does he get frustrated when his demands are not met? Is he imitating or role modelling adult behaviour? Is he throwing temper tantrums only to attract your sympathy and attention? It might help to ignore his head banging behaviour, and instead encourage him to canalise his anger through appropriate ways such as discussing his apprehensions, frustrations and anxieties with you and ideating solutions. My daughter was a responsible and disciplined child. But after her 15th birthday she has become careless and gotten into the habit of throwing her shoes, socks and bags around the house after returning from school. Please comment. — Rina Cherian, Bengaluru You need to understand that she is experiencing adolescence during which children experience physical, emotional, and behavioural changes. Adolescence is a time of tides and storms. It’s quite normal for a teenage child to resist responsibility and discipline. You need to be understanding and accepting of these changes. Stop lecturing, highlighting her faults and comparing her with others. Instead constantly reassure her that you will always support her choices and interests. My 17-year-old son has started picking fights with friends and strangers. At the same time, he is very quiet at home. I am unable to understand this behaviour. — Triveni Das, Delhi You need to acknowledge that neurological and physiological changes in adolescence are real and can cause great stress, resulting in violent mood swings, risky behaviour, inconsistent habits, relationships turmoil and academic fluctuations. Many adolescent boys tend to respond aggressively when they are chided and/or face discrimination. They also want to assert their independence. To understand and manage these issues, spend quality time with your son. This is vital for healthy two-way communication. If parents rush to judgement, label, advise or condemn, adolescents are likely to hide or distort incidents to feel accepted. If you are unable to resolve the problem, consult a professional counselor. My daughter (5) loves to apply makeup and role play an adult. Is this normal? — Vinod Sharma, Shimoga According to Jean Piaget’s theory of development, children of this age are in a pre-operational stage, where they are likely to explore and experiment with what they learn from observation. She has learned this behaviour from adults. Children love to imitate others, especially those whom they respect and admire. This is perfectly normal. She will outgrow it. (Dr Sailaja Pisapati is a well-known clinical psychologist and hypnotherapist and founder of Sailaja Pisapati Mental Health Center, Hyderabad)
My daughter was good at studies until class VIII. After that, we changed her school and now she has many new friends, some of whom I don’t like. These new friends are a bad influence and have adversely affected her academic performance. — Shikha Shivlani, Pune It’s the responsibility of parents to keep an eye on their children’s peer group and friends, and protect them from getting into trouble. But you need to do this without being intrusive. I suggest you introduce her to another group of friends or enroll her in activities where she gets the opportunity to make new friends. Re academics, you could consider getting her tutorial help. My 13-year old daughter lives with her uncle and aunt for purpose of school education. They all have been living in the same house for more than ten years. They take care of all her expenses. But my daughter’s behaviour towards them is not good. Are they not taking good care of her? When I ask my daughter, she doesn’t say much. Please advise. — Anonymous, Mumbai A 13-year-old adolescent is especially sensitive and emotional. She could be experiencing mixed feelings about staying away from her parents, even feeling abandoned by them. You need to make efforts to bond with her. Does she come home for the holidays? Do you visit her often? You need to make more effort to spend quality time with her, and make a decision in her best interest. My 18-year-old son is an introvert. Unfortunately, his mother died recently. Since then he has become more reticent and is glued to his mobile phone. I have also received complaints that he is sending lewd text messages to women. How can I help him? — Distressed father, Delhi A parent’s death is a traumatic experience for children. Your 18-year old teen might be overwhelmed by a mix of emotions including anger, melancholy, helplessness, grief, among others. All this is manifesting in him misusing technology. I recommend you immediately get the help of a professional counsellor to address the problem early on, before it escalates. I have two girls and a boy. My husband and I have always treated them equally. But the girls keep complaining that we are partial to our son. How can we make them understand that we are not discriminating against them? — Ruchi Sharma, Bangalore Demonstration is the best way. First, I suggest that you introspect if the same opportunities are being given to the male and girl children. Be honest with yourself, to ascertain if there’s any favouritism or partiality. Secondly, you must explain to your children the reasons for important decisions so they don’t feel discriminated. Moreover avoid favouritism when sharing gifts, rewards and praise. (Dr. Pallavi Rao Chaturvedi is a parenting coach, founder – Get Set Parent, and vice-president, Early Childhood Association of India)
My twin girls (8) are somewhat plump but not overweight. Yet people make fun of their physique. I feel bad when I see them hurt by rude comments of extended family members and friends. Do I need to change our family’s daily diet? — Harika Reddy, Hyderabad Awareness of the problem is a problem half-solved. If you believe your daily meals are unhealthy, please change them. You could switch to eating more vegetables and fruits, reduce junk food intake and limit portion at meal times. As far as bullying or taunts, instruct your twins not to take them seriously. Most important, you need to encourage them to exercise and focus on physical fitness. Enrol them in sports training and/or outdoor activities. To prevent childhood obesity, this is the right time to set dietary and physical fitness routines. There is no need to feel bad or guilty about making healthy lifestyle changes. My daughter is not as forward as her peers. For instance when her teacher asks children to volunteer for an activity, she doesn’t raise her hand as fast as others and gets left out. Please advise. — Pari Shirodkar, Mumbai Some children are inherently introverted and others are extroverts. I suggest you speak to her teacher and ask her help to draw your daughter out. You could also encourage her to speak up when she wants to volunteer for a project. It’s important to explain that if she doesn’t express herself she might lose great opportunities to showcase her talents and skills. However, most important, be kind and give her time, especially because children are returning to in-person schooling after two years of pandemic education lockdown. My sister’s 14-year-old daughter has been witness to her parents’ turbulent marriage. Her father is an abusive alcoholic. She hates the very idea of marriage and insists that she will never marry. Will this unhealthy perception about marriage remain with her? — Anxious aunt, Delhi Contrary to popular perception, childhood trauma takes a long time to heal. She needs the counsel of a professional child psychologist to overcome this trauma. Over time, the healing will happen, but it can’t be forced. Also at the age of 14, it’s premature to discuss marriage. As she grows into adulthood she will have experiences that will change her perceptions about life and marriage. Right now, focus on getting her professional help. My six-year-old son loves to go to school. He is not hyperactive but I think classes are too boring and hence he tends to talk to others. His teachers believe he is hyperactive and want me to get him assessed for ADHD. Please advise. —Vaibhavi Sood, Bengaluru Too often, parents and teachers wrongly diagnose hyperactivity or ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) for active and energetic children. Merely because a child is talkative or distracted, doesn’t mean he has ADHD. If the teacher insists, there is no harm in getting him assessed by a paediatrician or therapist for ADHD symptoms. It is always better to rule…
I have two boys, aged seven and nine who are constantly bickering. I am aware that sibling rivalry is normal but it’s getting a bit too much. When will they grow out of it? — Leela Mansi, Hyderabad It’s common for siblings to fight and usually it’s more pronounced when both children are boys or girls. Avoid getting involved in their quarrels. Instead set boundaries and conditions — no abuse or badmouthing each other and proscribe all physical violence. Encourage them to develop negotiation and peace-making skills bilaterally. As they grow, they will learn to settle their disagreements amicably. My daughter used to enjoy school. Now she finds it tiresome. Some of her friends are homeschooling and she wants to do likewise. Homeschooling is impractical for me because I am a full-time working mom. How do I motivate her to appreciate her school? — Sheetal Madhu, Mumbai During the past two years of the Covid pandemic when schools were closed, children have become accustomed to learning online from home. But homeschooling is very different from online classes conducted by school teachers. The homeschooling system in India is not very well-developed and not on a par with Western countries. It’s natural for children to entertain apprehensions about returning to full-time in-person school after two years of learning from home. Give her time to adjust to the school routine. As a parent, you know what’s best for your child, so make the decision without any guilt. My son loves science but hates history. He says studying history isn’t going to help him in the future. How do I explain to him that he needs to study all subjects? — Roma Sharma, Delhi Today’s children have a greater clarity about what they want to study in higher education than we did. However, it’s important to make him understand that having a good grounding in all subjects — including history and the humanities — is critical to acquiring holistic education. It doesn’t matter whether he will pursue another stream in college. Insist that he must invest his best effort to study all subjects at the school level. My seven-year-old daughter is often depressed because her friends tease her for being a little overweight. She has begun eating less at meal times. I have counselled her but still she doesn’t seem happy about it. — Mishka Singh, Bengaluru Bullying is an unfortunate reality in schools. Children are teased and taunted about their weight, height, for wearing braces, spectacles, dark complexion, bad accents, etc. As parents, our responsibility is to help children develop a positive body image and social confidence. Encourage her to exercise, eat healthy and enrol in sports and co-curricular activities. Simultaneously, you could consult a paediatrician or endocrinologist to examine if she is predisposed to obesity. (Dr. Pallavi Rao Chaturvedi is a parenting coach, founder – Get Set Parent, and vice-president, Early Childhood Association of India)
After the pandemic third wave, my 12-year-old daughter washes her hands every 30 minutes. Is she suffering from an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)? — Joby Thomas, Trivandrum During the dreaded Covid-19 pandemic, which has infected over 43 million countrywide, there was heightened fear and anxiety about contracting the virus and parents went all out to propagate the importance of masking and hands-washing. My advice is don’t pay too much attention to her repeated hands-washing. Children observe their parents closely. If they observe that parents, teachers and others adults are relaxed and less fearful about the pandemic, they will calm down. Secondly, distraction is important. Introduce her to sports and games so that she is busy. But if the OCD worsens, consult a medical practitioner. My 11-year-old son used to be very physically active and an extrovert. Post the pandemic lockdowns he has become shy and reticent. How do we encourage him to socialise again? — Brinda Pavan, Bangalore During pre-teen and teen years, it’s not unusual for male children to become asocial and aloof. Unfortunately the pandemic lockdowns and prolonged closure of schools have made it worse, resulting in many children losing their socialisation skills. Give him time and space to relearn socialisaton norms. Don’t force and push him into social situations. Adolescence is a transitional phase; he will grow out of his non-communicative phase soon and develop into a confident young adult. Some of my daughter’s friends have told her that fair is beautiful. My 13-year-old is dark-skinned and is constantly trying beauty packs to lighten her complexion. How do I make her understand that dark is also beautiful? — Seema Nambiar, Chennai The obsession with skin fairness is not new in our country. Many dark-skinned girl children and women suffer taunts and rude comments as well as societal discrimination. I suggest that you discuss success stories of dark-skinned celebrities who are at the top of their careers with her. Teach her to be well groomed, physically fit and speak confidently. This will build her self-confidence and esteem. If the discussion about fair is beautiful is coming out school, you need to inform her teacher so that this myth can be discussed in class as well. My nine-year-old son has suddenly stopped sharing his toys with his younger brother and friends. How do I make him mend his ways? — Minaha Somu, Mumbai A nine-year-old has a fairly developed sense of self-identity and ownership. So forcing him to share what he doesn’t want to might be difficult. He will learn on his own in school that if he doesn’t share things with his peers, he will soon lose friends and suffer alienation. His peer group will identify him as a selfish uncaring individual. I suggest you discuss the values of generosity, gratitude and sharing with him. Develop sensitivity and empathy in him by encouraging him to help the under-privileged. (Dr. Pallavi Rao Chaturvedi is a parenting coach, founder – Get Set Parent, and vice-president, Early Childhood Association of…
My pre-teen daughter has been feeling upset about her physical attributes lately. How do I explain to her that these bodily changes are normal during puberty? — Mallika Velan, Coimbatore All teenage children — male and female — undergo physical and psychological changes during puberty. You could talk her through the process and also show old photographs of yourself and friends during your preteen and teen years. This will help her accept and prepare for adolescence. Most importantly, you need to counsel her to be well-groomed, eat right and healthy, exercise and remain physically fit. Avoid discussions about physical beauty. Instead encourage her to focus on academics and extracurricular activities which build confidence and life skills. Recommended:My daughter is hesitant to return to in-school class… Is it right to interfere in children’s career decisions? My 17-year-old daughter wants to pursue fashion design but my in-laws insist she studies science. How can I resolve this conflict? — Amita Patel, Ahmedabad Not many decades ago, career options were few and limited to science and engineering. Your in-laws, though well-intentioned, need to be educated that the careers and jobs market has diversified and exploded in the 21st century. Sit them down and explain career opportunities in fashion design as also the many success stories. Your daughter is at a crucial stage in her life and needs all support and encouragement to make a well-informed career choice. My son’s eyesight has deteriorated over the past year because of time spent on gadgets for academics and digital entertainment. Please advise how to restrict his digital screen time. — Ramesh Raj, Hyderabad It’s important to protect children’s eyes. You could install a screen guard or UV protect glass on all digital gadgets he uses. Limit screen time by setting clear rules on gadgets access and usage. It’s important for parents to be clear on how much screen time is permitted inclusive of online studies, entertainment, TV etc. Also include foods rich in vitamins and minerals in her daily diet. I missed eight years of my daughter’s childhood because I was busy completing my Ph D thesis. There is a void in our relationship, how do I fill it? — Shilpa Vineet, Mumbai Time lost is time lost, so don’t fret about it. You need to put in extra efforts now to bond with her. It’s never too late to start. Spend one-on-one quality time with her. Take her on holidays, go for long drives, engage in outdoor activities, etc. During these moments, talk about why you chose your career and how fulfilling the experience has been. Make a beginning now, nothing is lost. Don’t feel guilty and focus on building a holistic relationship with your daughter. (Dr. Pallavi Rao Chaturvedi is a parenting coach, founder – Get Set Parent, and vice-president, Early Childhood Association of India)
My ten-year old daughter has started to tell lies. We have been trying to get her out of this habit but it doesn’t seem to be working. How do we make her understand that it’s wrong to lie? — Priyanka Varma, Mumbai It’s not unusual for young children to lie. There could be many reasons your daughter is avoiding telling the truth. Among them: She is scared or insecure of the outcomes of telling the truth and feels the lie will protect her She thinks it’s harmless to lie and mislead parents — it’s a harmless prank She could be exaggerating or hyping information Talk to her to understand why she fears telling you the truth. Reassure her that there will be no repercussions. Also explain the importance of conveying factual information and not misleading people. If you are able to win her trust consistently, she will feel confident to speak the truth. My 14-year-old daughter has a speech problem and doesn’t mingle with peers of her age. She is much more comfortable interacting with younger children. I want her to make friends in her age group. — Siri Reddy, Hyderabad The past two years of intermittent pandemic lockdowns and prolonged school closures have not been kind to children. Most of them have lost out on developing vital socialisation and communication skills because of lack of peer-to-peer interaction. Now that schools have reopened, request her teachers to provide her special opportunities to express herself. I would also recommend consulting a speech therapist. The teen years are socially difficult, so provide full support, guidance and encouragement. Since online schooling started two years ago, my 11-year-old-son has lost interest in studies and his exam grades have also dropped. Earlier, he used to score 70-80 percent in offline school. Please help. — Fiona Morris, Goa Prolonged school closures and the switch to online learning have resulted in children suffering huge learning loss. Screen fatigue, lack of human interaction and monotony of impersonal one-way learning have contributed to children losing interest in studies. Now that normative in-person schooling has resumed, a lot will fall into place over time. School managements and teachers are putting in extraordinary efforts to make up for children’s learning loss. Trust the process. Children are very resilient and in a few months, he will readjust to in-person schooling. It will also help if he actively participates in extra-curricular activities in school. Is homeschooling a good option for working parents? My daughter is nine years old. Please advise. — Meena Nair, Trivandrum Schools provide more than just academic education. They provide tutoring and mentorship of teachers, peer-to-peer learning, teach children independence and socialisation skills. Personally, I believe children lose by way of learning experientially and developing into well-rounded individuals if they don’t attend school. The pandemic has shown us the downsides of home-based learning. Home-schooling is a better option in highly developed countries with enabling public infrastructure and individualised learning options. But in India, it’s likely to be difficult for parents…
My seven-year-old son is tall and skinny. His friends make fun of his skinny frame. So of late, he has stopped going out to play with them. I believe he needs to interact with peers and develop important social skills. Please advise. — Rupali Shukla, Delhi Body shaming and bullying by friends causes stress in children of all age groups. You need to comfort your son that it’s alright to be thin and discuss different body types by illustrating examples of sportspersons/other role models with varying body types. It’s important to use discussions at home to build his self-esteem and confidence. Avoid discussions which glorify physical attributes. Buy him his favourite clothes and shoes to make him feel good. Most important, you need to emphasise that it’s his personality, friendliness, generosity and helpfulness which will define his relationship with friends in the long run and not his physical characteristics. My daughter got her first menstrual period four months ago. Since then she refuses to go out to play or attend badminton coaching during her period days. She also feels awkward talking about it. How do I help her understand that menstruation is perfectly normal? — Neelima Kamath, Bengaluru For a young girl, menstruation and physical changes that accompany it are life-altering. You need to allow her time to let it all sink in. Explain and counsel her about the physical transformation she is undergoing, take her shopping to buy comfortable sanitary pads and leak-protect underwear, and encourage her to wear comfortable clothes during her period days. There are also many informative videos online which explain and inspire young women to perform all normal activities including sports, during menstruation. My 12-year-old daughter is very shy and reticent. She has only two-three friends. When I encourage her to make new friends, she withdraws into a shell. I want her to develop a more outgoing personality. Please help! — Krithika Rao, Hyderabad Nature and nurture define how we function in the real world. Some people are naturally introverted while others are extroverts. It’s unlikely that you will be able to force a 12-year-old to be outgoing if she doesn’t want to be. There are many adults too who are content with three-four close friends. I recommend that you create opportunities that nurture her communication skills. You could enrol her in after-school classes/workshops where she will get the opportunity to participate and interact with peers; explain the importance of communicating her needs and being assertive so she doesn’t miss opportunities and encourage her to participate in a variety of literary and extra-curricular activities and competitions. Avoid constantly prodding and nagging her to be extroverted. Accept and appreciate her for who she is. (Dr. Pallavi Rao Chaturvedi is a parenting coach, founder – Get Set Parent, and vice-president, Early Childhood Association of India) Also read: Understanding teenage Eating Disorders
My seven-year-old son is hyperactive and doesn’t heed my requests to behave. I have read that because of lack of social interaction during the pandemic, many children have lost their socio-emotional and communication skills. Could this be true for my son, or does he have special needs? — Anonymous, Bengaluru During these unprecedented pandemic times, a seven-yearold can’t be expected to be disciplined and orderly. It’s an unnatural phase in their lives with schools closed and social interaction limited to immediate family members. Many children are also experiencing online learning fatigue. I suggest you do the following: • Set aside at least two hours daily for physical activity and exercise — cycling, playing a sport, or running. • Canalise his energy into open-ended activities such as block play, art and craft, DIY activities, dance and/or music. Also slot in reading time for 30 minutes every day. • Encourage open communication and discussion at home. My daughter is eight, and has developed the habit of striking children, snatching their things, or disturbing them. We have tried persuading, explaining, scolding, and punishing her but to no avail. Please advise. — Vimala Suri, Chennai In ‘normal’ times, school teachers discipline children and correct such behaviour. Unfortunately, this natural learning environment has been disrupted for the past two years. I advise the following: • Investigate and understand the causes of this disruptive behaviour. Is it jealousy, competitiveness with peers or a call for your attention? • Schedule a quiet time for a frank discussion with your daughter. Explain that you don’t appreciate such behaviour. Appeal to her sense of reason and make her open up as to the causes. • Warn that certain privileges will be withdrawn if this behaviour continues — it could be TV time, outdoor play with friends or gifts. Ensure that it’s not an empty threat. I have three children. As a result, we need to buy 3x of everything. So we purchase smaller and cheaper things, compared to their friends, many of whom are pampered single children. We also don’t buy large, expensive gadgets and toys. The children don’t like it, though we have explained to them the virtues of frugality. Please help! — Piyali Mitra, Mumbai Great question! It is perfectly alright and, in fact, ideal to announce a budget for the month within which new toys and gifts will be purchased. This teaches children the value of money. Explain to your children that economics is a choice between alternatives and no one can have everything. They can choose to sacrifice a particular toy and save up for a better bigger common gadget which can be used by all. As they grow up, leave the decision-making to them. It will reduce unnecessary purchases and teach your children the virtues of consensus-building, decision-making, value-assessment and money management. (Dr. Pallavi Rao Chaturvedi is a parenting coach, founder – Get Set Parent, and vice-president, Early Childhood Association of India) Also Read:Eduleader Speaks: Dr. Pallavi Rao Chaturvedi, founder, Get Set Parent with…
I live in a joint family. I have strict rules for my children such as limiting junk food consumption to once a week. But their cousins continually munch on junk food. There are many other such conflicts. How can I resolve them? — Anonymous, Chennai Having different sets of rules for children living under one roof is confusing and frustrating for children and parents. I recommend that all parents sit together, deliberate and set common rules for all children on important issues such as limiting junk food intake, electronic screen time, use of bad language etc. However, when it pertains to more specific issues such as dressing preferences and homework time, parents can make individualised decisions to suit their child’s needs. In this way, there will be some common rules with parents also enjoying flexibility to lay down the law on specific issues. My six-year-old listens carefully and understands when people talk with him, but he does not show any interest in replying to them unless prodded. How can I help him get over his diffidence? — Beena Mathew, Bengaluru Many young children experience a phase of non-communication. It is important to understand why he doesn’t respond. Is it because he is shy? Or lacks confidence in speaking to people other than family members? Or doesn’t have the required communication and language skills? Once you identify the root cause of his non-communication, you can address it accordingly. Home is the first practice ground for children to develop communication skills and social confidence. Ensure you encourage conversations on various subjects and allow him time and space to express his thoughts. Also, consider enrolling your child in a sport or extra-curricular activity to boost his socialisation skills. With primary schools closed for almost two years because of the Covid-19 pandemic, many children have been deprived of socialisation opportunities. Be patient and give him time and space to develop inter-personal communication skills. My children just about started attending in-person classes at school, and there is fear of the Omicron variant triggering a third wave. My family is pressurising me to opt for online school as they fear they will contract the Coronavirus. How do I convince my in-laws and parents that on-campus school is important for their overall development? — Frustrated mom, Kochi With the Covid-19 virus constantly mutating and children’s vaccination not yet begun, in the near future, there will be a lot of uncertainty and ambiguity and we have to make short-term decisions based on the local reality. Analyse the rate of Covid-19 infection cases in your city, government advisories, school Covid-19 safety SOPs, before making the decision to send children back to school. Some families have allowed children to resume normal school while others prefer to continue with online school. You will need to make an informed decision which works best for your children and family. (Dr. Pallavi Rao Chaturvedi is an educationist, parenting coach and founder of Get Set Parent with Pallavi)
My daughter doesn’t want to attend in-person classes. Her school day begins early. Pre-pandemic she would wake up at 6 a.m to catch the school bus. But with schools offering the option of online classes, she insists it is better. She is in class VIII, and I believe it’s important for her to attend offline school. How do I get her out of the lethargy that has set in during the past 16 months of schools closure? — Divyasree Raju, Chennai While several children are thrilled at the prospect of returning to on-campus schooling, meeting friends, interacting with teachers and enjoying real life experiences, there are some who are hesitant to step back into normalcy. It could be a combination of lethargy and reluctance to face the real world and its accompanying pressures. As a parent, you need to coax her into understanding that in-class education is important and beneficial for her all-round growth and development. A starting point would be to encourage her to attend school twice or thrice a week. You could also request her class teacher to persuade and reassure her. Moreover it’s important to address any fears she has about attending school. The post-pandemic world has its own stress and challenges. She needs your patience and understanding to transition into in-class learning. My son gained a lot of body weight during the lockdown. Now that school has started, his friends are making fun of him, and he doesn’t like it. How can I help him? — Shilpa Diva, Bengaluru Twenty months of work-from-home, online school coupled with sedentary lifestyles and unmindful eating have left not just children but also adults, overweight. With pandemic stress high, many people turned to food for emotional comfort. On-demand delivery of fast food became a way of life for many families countrywide during the lockdown. You need to support your son and have zero tolerance for any type of bullying and body shaming by peers. My suggestions: Transition the family to a healthier lifestyle of home cooked meals to reduce high sugar and fatty foods in the daily diet. Encourage your son to become physically active and take up a team sport. Physical exercise also releases endorphins — feel-good hormones. Counsel your child to not take his friends’ comments to heart and laugh them off. This usually makes bullies lose interest. Highlight and praise his strengths and achievements to boost his self-esteem. This will also give him the confidence to make new friends. Encourage two-way communication and heart-to-heart conversations. Moreover you need to be vigilant about the level of bullying and if it becomes aggravated, report it to the class teacher and school counselor. My daughter is an introvert and reticent. How can I boost her social skills? — Manvi Shah, Mumbai You have not disclosed the age of your daughter. Nevertheless, for children of all ages school is an important place for socialisation where children learn to interact with peers and adults i.e, teachers. The past 20 months of schools…
Dr. Pallavi Rao Chaturvedi My 13-year-old daughter was a well-behaved extroverted child, good in studies and interested in music and art. But since the past five months, her behaviour has changed. She is disobedient, defiant, rude, and talks back to us. I suspect it is the influence of her friends. I’m finding it difficult to correct her attitude and behaviour. Please help! — Shyama Rishab, Mumbai Adolescence is a tumultuous development period with children struggling to cope with several physical and psychological changes. It’s also a time when children are developing into young adults and want to exercise independence and authority. During the early years, parents make a large number of decisions for their children but as they enter adolescence, teens want to assert their identity which often manifests as disobedience, rudeness and insensitivity. As a parent, you need to be patient and allow her greater control over decision-making while encouraging open communication. Set clear rules and boundaries based on family values to provide a sense of stability and empowerment to your daughter while avoiding emotional blackmail, sarcasm, taunts and preachy lectures. My five-year-old son has been indoors for the past 18 months of the pandemic. He is healthy, active and energetic. But now, when I take him to visit friends he refuses to interact and talk to his peers as well as adults. My elder son was very talkative at this age. I know the lockdown has deprived my younger son of socialisation, but I want him to become a normal child. Please advise. — Sheila Paul, Chennai Children will become ‘normal’ as normalcy gradually returns. Young children are resilient and will quickly adapt to in-person schooling and meeting teachers and friends. The socialisation deprivation of the past 18 months cannot be compensated overnight. Gently encourage your child to socialise and interact with others. Don’t rush and force him to become an extrovert. You could also consider enrolling your son in sports/ extra-curricular classes. This will provide him opportunities to interact with peers and also learn a new sport/skill. My son is petrified of snakes and insects. He refuses to sleep on the floor when we visit my parents’ house because he is scared of being attacked by insects. How can I help him get over this phobia? — Priyanka Sriram, Bengaluru Entomophobia or fear of insects is common in children. Don’t interpret this fear as stubbornness or disobedience by the child. Also don’t force him to sleep on the floor as it will enhance his anxiety and result in him not wanting to visit places which aggravate his apprehension. While children of this age outgrow many fears, as a parent, your responsibility is to constantly reassure him by using pest control repellents and room cleaning. You could also educate him about harmful and non-harmful insects. (Dr. Pallavi Rao Chaturvedi is a parenting coach, founder – Get Set Parent, and vice-president, Early Childhood Association of India) Also read: My daughter is hesitant to return to in-school class… Eduleader Speaks:…
Ask Your Counselor Dr. Pallavi Rao Chaturvedi, a parenting coach, founder – Get Set Parent, and vice-president, Early Childhood Association of India, answers parents queries: My three-year-old son speaks in short sentences of only three-four words. At three, he needs to be talking a lot more. Because of the intermittent lockdowns our social interaction with extended family and friends has been sparse. How do I get him to talk more? — Deepa Maria, Mangalore In the early years of development, children’s vocabulary, pronunciation and confidence levels vary according to their inherent capabilities and external environment. A three-year old also learns language skills at preschool — shut since the past 16 months because of the Covid-19 pandemic. This prolonged shut down of preschools may have adversely affected his language and speech development. Here are some suggestions to encourage your son to improve his language skills: • Spend 30-45 minutes every day reading story books to him. This will enable him to build vocabulary and pronunciation skills. • Engage in active conversations with your child, irrespective of language skills and vocabulary. Encourage him to respond to your questions in his own time and words. • Recite nursery rhymes and practice songs together. • Make an effort to organise play dates with peers in safe, open air spaces. If you still feel there’s no improvement, consult a professional speech therapist. My daughter’s school is about to reopen but she is hesitant to attend in-person classes because she has lot of incomplete homework and is worried about facing her teachers. She is in class VIII. How do I encourage her to return to school? — Jisha Menon, Trivandrum Schools countrywide have been closed for over 16 months and most children have mixed feelings about returning to in-school classes after such a long break. Parents and teachers need to support children with empathy and patience to re-adjust to normal schooling with Covid-19 safeguards such as masking and physical distancing. Here are some ways you can ease your daughter’s anxiety about returning to school: • Talk positively about schools reopening and the many advantages of normative schooling such as in-person meetings with friends and teachers. • Rework her daily schedule — including sleep, study, and eating routines — in preparation of school restarting. • Sit her down and take stock of all pending homework assignments. Encourage her to complete it before school reopening day. • Allay your daughter’s fears by talking to her class teacher and apprise her of the incomplete assignments. • Counsel her gently that it’s okay to be behind in homework but more important to return to the school routine. These are unprecedented pandemic times, and your daughter will benefit tremendously from your reassurances and understanding. Children are very resilient and quickly adapt to new routines. My daughter loves playing basketball. She wants to become a professional player and is neglecting her studies. How do I make her aware of the importance of academics? — Himanshi Shetty, Bangalore You need to sit her…
My daughter is in class VIII and loves to play tennis. She wants to quit school and pursue tennis full-time. I am worried as this is the time when she needs to focus on studies. How do I get her interested in studies? — Romola Ratnakumar, Chennai Encourage your child both in tennis and academics. If she is talented and loves tennis, help her find a good coach who will also be able to advise you if she has a future in the game. Playing games and sports builds children’s character, discipline and resilience. All these attributes hold children in good stead in academics as well. You need to maintain a balance in your child’s life. Don’t become too competitive too early in sports. Allow her to develop and set achievable goals. Her progress in tennis may be fast or slow depending on numerous factors. Take advice from the coach. Moreover something that often gets overlooked is that child athletes should also have a life outside of sports. It’s important to enable her growth on the court and off it. Careers in sports including in tennis, have a short time-span. Therefore be positive and encourage both academics and tennis. My ten-year-old daughter has attained early puberty. I have explained to her that menstruation is normal and there is nothing to worry about… but she is feeling stressed. Please advise. — Joshita Minaha, Bengaluru It’s good that you have explained the menstruation process to her. Helping her understand bodily changes will encourage her to make good decisions about her health in the future. Most girl children get their first menstrual period when they’re between 10-15 years old. The average age is 12, but every girl’s body has its own schedule. There’s no right age for onset of puberty. If you are unable to persuade her to relax, you could ask your doctor, nurse, school counselor, or a trusted family member to talk with her and assuage her anxieties about this normative rite of passage. My seven-year-old son is afraid of dogs. I have counselled him several times that this fear is unwarranted, but to no avail. How can I help him overcome his fear of canines? — Sheila Paul, Mangalore Children aren’t alone in such fears; sometimes the problem is magnified because dogs are also afraid of children. Here are some ways to help your son overcome his fear of canines: • Recognise and accept that his phobia is real. • Watch what you say. Don’t unintentionally reinforce his fear of canines with advice such as ‘Be careful, the dog might bite you!’ • Take little steps. There’s no reason to rush your son into face-to-face dog introductions. Take it slowly and gently. Gradually introduce him to canines, starting with picture books, TV programmes, and then in the real world. • Find a relative/friend with a human-friendly adult dog, not a puppy. Like children, puppies are unpredictable and excitable and can scare young children. • Understand canine body language. A dog…
My eight-year old son is anxious about meeting people. He used to be very shy at six, but we slowly got him out of his shell. But after the lockdown, he has again become very timid and reserved. Please help! — Leena Saha, Kolkata Many children are experiencing difficulty in interacting with peers and friends after almost 15 months of intermittent lockdowns. You need to rehearse return to normal with your son and role play people-to-people interaction. Practice and rehearse a meeting or play date with friends. Also, some children need more time to intermingle with large groups. Ease him in slowly by introducing him to a select group of friends or just one friend to restore his confidence. Moreover, you need to wean yourself away from your son incrementally. For instance, if you’re sitting side by side, you can pretend you’ve got to do something else, like the laundry or meal preparation. You need to encourage him to start doing things without you around. This way he will gradually regain his social confidence. I live in a joint family, and don’t like the constant comparisons being made between my twin boys (9) and their first cousin sisters aged eight and six. I don’t want my children’s confidence to be undermined by their grandparents and aunt and uncle constantly praising the sisters over them. — Worried mom Most grandparents try hard to be the best grandparents possible. But good intentions don’t always translate into good deeds. Sometimes grandparents get things wrong! Child-rearing has changed tremendously since most grandparents were parents. You need to fix a time when you won’t be disturbed for a ‘quiet chat’ with them. Prepare some points before your discussion; it will give your thoughts clarity and confidence. Avoid fault finding, blaming and upsetting them. You need to subtly convey to them that their behaviour is damaging your children’s self-esteem and confidence. Gently remind them that we are all good at some things (e.g cooking) but not so good at others (sewing) and that your children are still young and learning. Ensure that your body language and tone aren’t confrontational. The intention of the discussion is to gently make them realise that comparisons are odious and do children more harm than good. My 15-year old is active on an online friends groups. But now and then, I’ve observed that she is depressed and morose. I have tried to ask her several times but she says ‘Nothing is wrong.’ How do I find out what’s bothering her? — Manasi Sharma, Bengaluru You need to educate your teen (and yourself) about the physical, psychological and emotional changes that happen during adolescence. The onset of puberty triggers significant hormonal changes within the body. However, though adolescents experience heightened physical growth, their cognitive and emotional capabilities are not fully developed until their mid-twenties. Teen children are struggling to adjust to sudden physical changes, and also trying to cope with rapid emotional changes and societal pressures. Therefore you and your 15-year-old need…
