New-age Parenting styles & options

New thinking is that Generation Alpha needs parenting that amalgamates traditional and new parenting styles. Consequently, child psychologists and experts are propounding new-age parenting styles to nurture precocious children in the new VUCA (volatile, uncertain, complex, ambiguous) world
-Kiran Balimane & Cynthia John

Not many parents are aware that like there are haute couture fashions and styles, there are parenting styles and choices. While right until the second half of the 20th century, parents learned and adapted parenting styles from their own experience and (decreasingly) from their own parents and agony aunts of the media, US-based clinical and developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind (1927-2018) created a stir in the parenting advice industry when in 1995 she famously categorised three parenting styles — authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative.

More famously in the new millennium, Amy Chua, an ethnic Chinese professor at Yale Law School, stirred a hornet’s nest with her bestselling Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother (2011), in which she glorified authoritarian Asian parenting style vis-a-vis American-style soft parenting.

Since then, there’s heightened interest and discussion in society about how best to nurture children to develop their self-confidence and capability to cope with life’s challenges in the new age of the internet and heightened competition complicated by the pulls and pressures of instant communication and ready information provided by social media. The new thinking is that Generation Alpha needs parenting that amalgamates traditional and new parenting styles. Consequently, child psychologists and experts are propounding new-age parenting styles to nurture precocious children in the new VUCA (volatile, uncertain, complex, ambiguous) world.

In the pages following, parenting experts and child psychologists provide valuable advice on ways and means to raise confident, well-balanced children in the new era defined by the pulls, pressures and temptations of instant digital communication and pervasive social media.

Lighthouse parenting
Ideated and propounded by US-based paediatrician
Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg in his best-seller Raising Kids to Thrive (2015), a lighthouse parent serves as a lighthouse, observing and guiding their progeny sailing turbulent seas. Parents are the guiding light, providing direction but permitting children to navigate challenges on their own. According to Ginsburg, lighthouse parents are watchful and present to offer support, but like a ‘lighthouse’ are distant observers and trust children to learn-by-doing.

Pune-based child psychologist Aarti Takawane says lighthouse parenting is “about how to balance love with expectations and protection with trust. This balance may be different for each family depending on levels of trust already established and boundaries parents want to set. But lighthouse parenting nurtures confident and resilient children.”

Takawane advances eight reasons why millennial parents should adopt lighthouse parenting.

1. Promotes healthy boundaries. This style encourages children to develop independence with responsibility, as they learn to navigate the world within a defined rules framework. By setting healthy boundaries, lighthouse parents promote security and predictability, which is important for children who may feel overwhelmed or anxious about challenges.
2. Creates a supportive parent-child relationship. Lighthouse parenting values open communication and self-reflection. It encourages children to reach out to their parents for guidance and support, building the foundation for a strong and supportive relationship.
3. Builds better coping skills. Lighthouse parents offer guidance only when needed, rather than constantly intervening and solving problems for children. This style develops children’s learning-by-doing skills and resilience.
4. Allows adjustment of strategy based on age. Children’s needs and capabilities change as they grow. Lighthouse parents adjust their approach accordingly. Younger children may require more hands-on guidance, while older ones benefit from greater autonomy. By tailoring their parenting style to their child’s age and developmental stage, lighthouse parents provide the support and guidance needed for optimal growth.
5. Sets boundaries and expectations. Lighthouse parents draw clear boundaries. This enables children to clearly understand expectations while enjoying a sense of structure and independence. Setting boundaries also protects children from indulging in harmful or risky behaviour.
6. Encourages open communication. Open communication is vital for a healthy parent-child relationship. Lighthouse parents encourage children to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. By listening patiently and providing support, parents create a safe and welcoming space for discussion and debate.
7. Provides support without solving problems. Rather than solving children’s problems, lighthouse parents offer guidance and advice. This enables children to develop problem-solving skills, think critically and build confidence.
8. Celebrates successes and stimulates learning from failure. Proponents of this parenting style stress that it’s important to acknowledge and celebrate children’s achievements. Positive reinforcement boosts their self-esteem and motivation. Simultaneously children learn from their mistakes. This develops their growth mindset and capability to use challenges as opportunities for learning and growth.

Eggshell parenting
As highlighted in our last month’s cover story (Danger! Silent parental burnout epidemic, PW September), a growing number of millennial parents are experiencing stress and burnout as they struggle to cope with child-rearing duties, family and societal pressures, and umpteen challenges of modern life. This stress is reflected in their parenting style, i.e, they are often angry and harsh with children.

Coined by US-based clinical psychologist Dr. Kim Sage, children of stressed parents “walk on eggshells”, uncertain about parents’ unpredictable behaviour, tantrums, and emotional instability. This not only stifles their childlike qualities but also sets the stage for damaging adult relationships, says Sage.

Pondicherry-based child psychologist Nivedha N. concurs. “Eggshell parenting has long-term negative effects on children’s mental health. The unpredictability of parental behaviour generates stress and often hypersensitivity in children, as well as difficulties in establishing inter-personal relationships. It increases the risk of anxiety, depression, and pushes children to become people-pleasers. Children start viewing society through a screen of fear and uncertainty,” she says.

Nivedha lists the defining characteristics of eggshell parenting which self-correcting parents should look out for: frequent emotional outbursts and tantrums, lack of empathy, communication difficulty, reacting angrily to even minor issues, high expectations from children and criticising them frequently. “Parents have an obligation to be kind, caring and supportive of their children. If you are an eggshell parent, I recommend that you start with encouraging open communication with your children; practise patient listening while children express their feelings and fears; appreciate their efforts and educate yourself about effective parenting styles, emotional regulation and anger management techniques. Children emulate parental behavior, therefore role model healthy ways to cope with anxiety, stress, and negative emotions. If the problem is intense, seek professional support and family therapy/counseling sessions,” advises Nivedha.

Helicopter parenting
American psychologist Foster Cline and education consultant Jim Fay coined the descriptive ‘helicopter parenting’ in their book: Parenting with Love and Logic (1990). They described helicopter parents as couples confused about the difference between love and saving children from themselves. Another descriptive for helicopter parenting is “overparenting”. Helicopter parents become over involved in every aspect of their child’s life, constantly hovering over their children, monitoring their decisions, activities, and micromanaging their lives.

Dr. Priyanka Goenka, child psychologist at Sir Ganga Ram Hospital, Delhi, believes that a substantial number of millennial parents are over parenting their children. “Today, too many parents are over-involved with their children’s lives. They are scared about their children’s future and don’t trust their ability to navigate the world. By constantly hovering over them and advising them at every turn, helicopter parents are likely to raise children lacking independence and emotional resilience. This can adversely affect them in adulthood,” says Dr. Goenka.

Dr. Goenka’s advice to parents to resist helicoptering:

• Don’t solve children’s problems. Instead help them to learn from their mistakes and support them to overcome challenges. The parent’s role is of a mirror, listening, absorbing, reflecting and guiding children towards the right pathway.
• Promote age-appropriate responsibilities. This nurtures independence and makes children self-reliant.
• Allow children to experiment with new activities. Within safe limits and under adult supervision.
• Making mistakes and learning from them is essential for child-adulthood transition. When parents micro-manage children’s lives, they curtail their ability to think for themselves and make decisions, denting self-confidence.

Some cynics who believe that children should be seen and not heard, opine that there are as many parenting styles as there are parents. Therefore, several other popular parenting styles have emerged.

Other new-age parenting styles
Natural parenting. This focuses on incorporating an instinct-led approach to parenting, with parents practising exclusive breastfeeding, free play and impulse-led family activities.
Active parenting. This is a hands-on, involved parenting style under which parents become actively involved in all areas of their children’s development. They practice positive discipline and consistent communication, and support children in academic and extra-curricular pursuits.

Gentle parenting. This style prioritises parent-child emotional bonding and connectedness. Parents are not pushy and patiently guide children. They teach without punishing, yet without being too lenient. Aka ‘soft parenting’, it focuses on nurturing and empowering children with love and compassion.

Free range parenting. Free-range parents want their children to become independent and self-reliant. They aren’t afraid to allow them to play freely in public playgrounds/parks, try a new sport or venture out to do things on their own within safe limits. The expectation is that children will learn to use their freedom judiciously and become autonomous and manage themselves. Not to be confused with ‘neglectful parenting’ where parents totally ignore and neglect their children.

Cultivation parenting. Here, parents study and explore the talents, interests and skills of their children and provide opportunities to nurture and develop them thereby setting the stage for growth, learning and a spirit of enterprise.

Snowplough or bulldozer parenting. In 2015, former US high school teacher David McCullough published a book You Are Not Special, in which he implored parents to back off and let their children fail. He defined snowplough or bulldozer parents as those who want to push all obstacles out of children’s way to ensure their success and prevent them from experiencing hardship. This parenting style is often confused with helicopter parenting, which involves hovering over a child to rescue them swiftly once a problem arises instead of trying to clear the obstacles all together. Repeated snowplough parenting tactics have negative effects on childhood development,and reinforces the belief that children can’t learn and play independently.

Slow parenting. Aka simplicity parenting is increasingly finding favour with latter-day educationists, psychologists and parents worldwide. A social response to helicopter parents who micro-manage children’s lives by organising a host of structured activities including academic tuitions and after-school music/sports classes, slow parenting encourages children to learn, live and grow at their own pace in non-stressful home environments. The phrase ‘slow parenting’ was first used by Canadian journalist Carl Honore in his best-selling book In Praise of Slow (2004) and later explained in extenso in his second oeuvre Under Pressure: Rescuing our Children from the Culture of Hyper-Parenting (2008).

“Slow parenting is about bringing balance into the home. Children need to strive and struggle and stretch themselves, but that does not mean childhood should be a race. Slow parents give their children plenty of time and space to explore the world on their own terms. They keep the family schedule under control so that everyone has enough downtime to rest, reflect and just hang out together. They accept that bending over backwards to give children the best of everything may not always be best policy. Slow parenting means allowing our children to work out who they are rather than what we want them to be. Slow parents understand that childrearing should not be a cross between a competitive sport and product-development. It is not a project; it’s a journey,” writes Honore in Under Pressure, described by the global best-selling Time magazine as “the gospel of slow parenting”.

Reflect and take your pick.