With mental health professionals reporting a steady increase in the number of adults facing anger management issues, it’s unsurprising that a growing number of children are also struggling to keep this emotion in check, writes Aruna Raghuram
Described by Merriam Webster dictionary as “a strong feeling of displeasure and antagonism” and “a fit of violent wrath”, anger is a common emotion. However, the frequency and intensity of this emotion determines if a person is more prone to anger than acceptable by society. With mental health professionals reporting a steady increase in the number of adults facing anger management issues, it’s unsurprising that a growing number of children are also struggling to keep this emotion in check.
According to child experts at the Yale Medicine Child Study Center of Yale University, USA, it’s not unusual for a child below four years to throw as many as nine temper tantrums per week. These include episodes of crying, kicking, stomping, hitting and pushing that last five to 10 minutes. Most children outgrow this behaviour. However in some cases, angry, disruptive behaviour may persist and parents may need to seek professional help.
Meenakshi Gupta
What causes anger in children?
Multiple factors contribute to a child’s struggles with irritability, anger, and aggression. Here are some reasons why children get angry and frustrated:
- A common trigger is frustration when a child can’t get what she wants or is asked to do something that she might not want to do. For instance, parents may not allow her to watch a favourite TV show because she has not completed her homework. This may trigger anger and rebellion.
- Children especially infants need love, attention and care. If parents or caregivers are unable to provide them the nurturance they need, children tend to show their frustration through temper tantrums.
- Anger does run in families. Genetics and other biological factors play a role in anger and aggression.
- Childhood trauma and adverse childhood experiences make children vulnerable to anger.
- Harsh, authoritarian parenting styles tend to make children angry and defiant.
- Problems at school could also trigger anger. “In the school environment, bullying and teacher’s indifference can infuriate children,” says Gupta.
- Many children tend to take time to adjust to changes in life and living conditions. For example, the challenge of adjusting to a new preschool or moving home or city and losing friends is likely to frustrate children.
- Emotional, behavioural or learning challenges, such as autism and ADHD, impede development of children’s emotion regulation skills.
- Physical causes such as hunger, pain due to an injury, or lack of adequate sleep could also make children angry.
- Hormonal changes, inevitabe during adolescence, may lead to mood swings and outbursts of anger.
- Children observe and emulate parental behaviour. If parents have anger management problems, children tend to follow suit.
10 ways to help children manage their anger
Accept and normalise anger
The first step is for parents to accept and normalise anger as an emotion. Avoid shouting, blaming and humiliating an angry child. Instead, understand the reasons for her anger and diffuse the situation. This is not easy, but necessary.
Help children identify emotions
According to Meenakshi Gupta, children, especially youngest, need help in identifying and labeling their emotions. “If a child is angry, parents could say: ‘I realise that you are getting angry. Did something bad happen? Tell me about it?’ When a child knows she is being given a patient hearing and understood, she will calm down. This is the first step towards teaching children emotional regulation,” says Gupta.
Create an ‘anger thermometer’
US-based psychotherapist and author Amy Morin advises parents to “create an anger thermometer to help kids recognise the signs that their anger is rising”. “Draw a large thermometer on a piece of paper. Start at the bottom with a zero and fill in the numbers up until 10, at the top of the thermometer. At a time when your child is not upset or angry, talk about what happens in their body at each number on the thermometer. Your child might say they are smiling when they’re at a level 0 but have a mad face when they reach level 5. Eventually, they can make the connection that when their anger temperature starts to rise, taking a break can help them cool it down,” writes Morin (https://www.verywellfamily.com/ways-to-help-an-angry-child-1094976).
Aarthi Prabhakaran
Calm them down
Calm children by distracting them from negative sentiments. Encourage them to read a book, paint, listen to music or play a sport. Usually, distractions dissipate children’s anger.
“In most cases, a simple hug will soothe a child’s anger and frustration. Anger is a manifestation of an underlying problem. Parents need to patiently listen to children without being judgemental. Anger rises when there is need for comfort and attention. Or a mismatch in expectations. Parents have to take the lead in resolving the problem causing frustration and anger,” says Aarthi Prabhakaran, a Chennai-based parenting consultant.
Teach anger management skills
Anger management is an important life skill. Parents should teach children anger management responses such as deep breathing, counting till 10, and taking a walk. Exercise is also a great anger diffuser, says Meenakshi Gupta. “During an anger outburst, the body produces a rush of adrenaline. This adrenaline, excess energy and aggression can be canalised into physical exercise and play. Parents should encourage children to play outdoor games and sports,” advises Gupta.
Role model emotions regulation
Parents need to demonstrate capability to regulate their own emotions before asking children to do so. Therefore develop anger management skills before preaching them to children.
Avoid punishment
“Grounding, shaming and punishing children are common parental responses to temper tantrums and other socially unacceptable behaviour. But these tactics seldom fix the problem. In fact, they negate a child’s anger and encourages her to suppress it and build up inside. Therefore avoid punishing children for angry outbursts,” advises Prabhakaran.
Discipline with compassion
If a parent gives in to a tantrum, a child is likely to repeat this anti-social behaviour. Therefore be firm but kind. Discipline her while empathising with her frustration. Make it clear that disruptive behaviour is not acceptable. Privileges such as playing a video game or going out to play with friends can be temporarily withdrawn to enforce discipline.
Varsha Sudhindra
Comments Bengaluru-based Varsha Sudhindra, mother of two daughters Sameeksha (9) and Nireeksha (5): “Sameeksha gets irritated and angry if I keep repeating instructions. In the case of Nireeksha, she sometimes throws tantrums at stores when she wants a particular dress or toy. I don’t pay much attention to her tantrums and she calms down after a while. I am firm with both my children and let them know that anti-social intemperate behaviour is not acceptable. But at the same time I listen to their complaints patiently and try to provide solutions.”
Avoid exposing children to violent content
Exposure to violent content — films, television shows and video games — fuels children’s aggression. Limit access to violent audio-visual content.
Seek professional help
Despite your best efforts, if children continue to display angry and aggressive behaviour, consult a counselor/therapist.
Unhealthy expressions of anger
Children may express anger in four unhealthy ways:
- Aggression and violence — shouting, using foul language, throwing things, hitting and biting
- Internal aggression — self-harm, withdrawing from family and friends, and skipping meals
- Passive aggressive behaviour — ignoring parents and other family members, rebellious and intemperate behaviour
- Suppression — this is a harmful way of processing anger: suppressed emotions can explode violently at any time
