By -Amanda Niland, lecturer in early childhood, University of Sydney Parents say ‘good girl’ and ‘good boy’ all the time. Here’s why you should try and say something else Good girl! Good boy! Parents, relatives and teachers say these phrases all the time and mean them positively. They may use it when a child puts on her shoes when asked, when she draws something interesting, or get a maths question correct. But this kind of language may not always be healthy or helpful. One issue is it doesn’t actually give children clear feedback on what they just did or said. What could you say instead? Praise and parenting Praise has been acknowledged as a key part of raising children for decades. In the 1950s, influential US psychologist B.F. Skinner believed rewards, including praise, positively reinforce desired behaviours. In the 1970s, amid rising interest in self-esteem, psychologists and other child development experts emphasised the importance of praising children. But since the 2000s, psychology research has moved away from regarding self-esteem, and hence praise, as central to a child’s well-being. Instead, early childhood education has shifted towards providing children a positive sense of identity. This means children having a sense of safety, belonging and capability, rather than a strong opinion of themselves. Nevertheless, praise is still frequently mentioned in popular advice to parents. Different kinds of praise Some psychology researchers have defined praise as either informational (telling children about their strengths and actions) or evaluative (telling children whether or not they are good enough). In similar vein, US psychologist Carol Dweck categorises praise as “person praise” or “process praise”. Person praise focuses on stable characteristics such as personality or appearance. Process praise focuses on behaviours or effort directed towards achieving an outcome, such as learning to ride a bike or a baby taking first steps. Research has found person praise can decrease young children’s motivation to challenge themselves and lead to feelings of helplessness if they fail. In contrast, a long-term study of children whose mothers used process praise showed these children were more likely to be confident in preschool and later in primary school. Process praise is informational, giving children feedback on their efforts and strategies in achieving an outcome (“I can see by your puffing how hard you ran in that race”). Person praise tends to be evaluative, often where there is little possibility for change, or only after success (“What a winner!”). Seeking approval or seeking improvement? More broadly, constant praise may mean children unconsciously feel they are doing things for adult approval, rather than for themselves. This can work against the development of self-regulation and a healthy sense of identity. Adults who over-praise (particularly evaluative or person-focused praise) may assume children need external rewards to do the right thing. This doesn’t enable children to make good choices on their own. Recent research suggests inflated praise, using words such as “incredible”, “amazing” and “wonderful”, can foster narcissistic traits by causing children to have an unrealistic sense of their own…
