Rethink rewards and punishment parenting

Nikhil Gupta is the Bengaluru-based co-founder of Nurturing Souls (www.nurturingsouls.in) and a parenting coach)

Nikhil Gupta

It’s time to ponder why parents use rewards and punishments, and what impact it has on us and our children

Traditional parenting advocates using rewards and punishments as the best way to instill ‘good behaviour’ and discipline children. Whether it’s motivating children to excel in academics and/or encouraging physical exercise/sports/ good eating habits, we associate good parenting with rewards and punishments. This association begins as soon as a child understands cause and effect, and continues throughout life. But have we ever pondered why we use rewards and punishments, and what impact it has on us and our children? Is it always productive?

New-age thinking on parenting is veering to the conclusion that neither rewards nor punishments are productive. While it may give short-term results in some cases, it is diminishing the natural intelligence of children and their ability to determine what’s right for them. For instance, let’s take the case of a primary schooler who eats too much junk food. The parent wants to discourage junk food consumption and starts influencing her behaviour through rewards and punishment.

Though the objective may be achieved, the child is doing it out of fear of punishment rather than a genuine desire to eat healthy. Later on, when she is a high schooler and/or goes to college, it’s most likely she will revert to eating junk food.

Similarly, associating rewards with completing a task/action is counter-productive. Rewards make children behave well for an external reward (which has to keep increasing to keep them interested) instead of choosing to behave in positive ways because of how it makes them feel, and how it helps their relationships with others.

If we train children to do something based only on rewards and punishments, they think of all actions in terms of reward or punishment. They lose the originality of their actions, don’t develop intrinsic motivation and are driven by fear of consequences or rewards. For instance, if your child always needs a threat or praise to clean a room, then it’s unlikely she will continue with the cleaning habit in adulthood. Instead, if you discuss the importance of being neat and tidy (without any consequences) with her, she will be motivated to keep her room clean and develop it as a habit.

My advice to parents is to remove the association of rewards and punishment with every action. They can use it sparingly, when necessary. Instead, explain to children the consequences of their actions and motivate them with positive discussions, stimulating them to think, learn and develop into confident young adults.