– Suresh Subrahmanyan, Bengaluru-based former advertising professional

One of the most exciting tasks that a married couple anticipates is the arrival of the proverbial stork with their first born, or for that matter, second or even third born. Rarely in our straitened times do couples go for more than two kids, three being a bit of a stretch, probably accidental. Unless, of course, you are Elon Musk, in which case after the announcement of the birth of the eleventh infant, he has just got down to spitting on his hands and getting into his stride. More of Musk anon. It is superfluous to add that in our enlightened age, marriage is not a necessary pre-condition to add to the world’s head count.

My preoccupation this month is more to do with how couples and their near and dear ones get into a right, royal tizzy over what to name the impending arrival along with the patter of little feet. Those who do not wish to know in advance the sex of their bundle of joy that is still blissfully swimming in its mother’s amniotic fluids, run around with reference books while frantically Google searching, scouring names of boys and girls. In any case, Indian law doesn’t allow parents to determine the baby’s gender in advance. Depending on which religious denomination you belong to, Hindu, Christian, Muslim, Sikh, Parsee, Jain, Buddhist or any other, there are loads of names for you to sift through during those nine months of cozy captivity for the little wonder.

The process of naming a child, in this modern age when the world is our oyster, or as the poet Wordsworth had it, ‘the world is too much with us,’ has become somewhat universalised. Westerners, who notoriously fuss about pronouncing names from the southern hemisphere, have become just that much more familiar. They still behave as if the cat has got their tongues, but they muddle through. Kamala Harris poses no problem, that’s easy-peasy, Vivek Ramaswamy is rapidly gaining currency with frequent appearances on American TV debates. Britain’s PM Rishi Sunak is a walk in the park, though his first lady Akshata Murty could prove tricky, if not a mouthful. To the native Brit that is, not to Asian migrants.

Now that we have turned to the subject of names in the western hemisphere, I cannot but talk at greater length about Elon Musk and his rapidly expanding familial empire. While I have touched briefly upon the Indian diaspora and the unique challenges their names could pose to a western audience, the Twitter (now X) mogul, Elon Musk, has blazed a new and enthralling trail when it comes to naming his offspring. Across three partners (Justine, Grimes and Shivon Gillis), the prolific Musk has fathered 11 children, and I would not bet against more in the pipeline — more partners and more children.

While one gasps at the great magnate’s fecundity, it is more the names his children are burdened with that is noteworthy. Try these on for size. Nevada Alexander Musk, twins Griffin and Vivian Musk which was more conservative, Kai, Saxon and Damian Musk, X AE A-XII Musk (I kid you not), Exa Dark Siderael Musk, nicknamed Y as X AE A-XII had already appropriated the nickname X (makes sense), Strider and Azure Musk and the latest arrival, Techno Mechanicus, nicknamed Tau.

If it was just the newborn’s name that parents and elders tear their hair out coming to grips with, that is nothing compared with the argy-bargy that goes into to how to spell the name. This is particularly relevant in the Indian context where superstition and old wives’ tales count for a lot. The father rushes in, brandishing a sheet of paper and announces with much fanfare, ‘I have it. From this day forth, he shall be called Nikhil. I have checked it out with the priest. It’s all kosher and official. We can always call him Nikki or Niks at home.’ His mother then peers at the sheet of paper, smeared with sacred ash and kum kum, bearing the bold legend NIKHIL, scrunches up her face and says calmly, ‘The H will have to go. We cannot go beyond five letters, and my family guru says H, being the eighth letter of the English alphabet, portends ill luck. So let us settle on NIKIL.’ Given that the change suggested is not drastic, everyone agrees with a sigh of relief. This is a common occurrence in millions of households countrywide.

When all is said and done, the newborn is the victim here, having no say in the matter whatsoever, lumbered with a name he or she will have to live with forever. Techno Mechanicus for crying out loud, you want to change your name? You can, but have a care. Your super rich dad could cut you out of his will and where will you be? What is the point of changing your name to John Doe if you are going to be left skint? Remember what Shakespeare said.. ‘What’s in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.’ Though on this occasion, I would prefer to sign off with James Joyce, ‘What’s in a name? That is what we ask ourselves in childhood when we write the name that we are told is ours.’

Way to go James, or should that be Jim?