Trevor Mazzucchelli Parents may be familiar with this scenario: a child is well behaved at school and polite to their teachers but has a meltdown at home in the afternoon. Or they say please and thank you at a friend’s house but are rude within the family. They follow the rules if they visit a neighbour but have to be constantly reminded about not slamming doors and raiding the pantry at home. Why is this so? And is there anything you can do about it? Children learn early their behaviour matters Even well behaved children misbehave from time to time.When young children get tired, such as after a play date or a long day at daycare or school, they can become irritable and disruptive. Children are also naturally curious and may misbehave sometimes just to see what happens. However, some children seem to behave consistently worse at home than with other people. To understand this phenomenon, it’s necessary to understand why children behave the way they do. From the very beginning, a child’s behaviour produces results or outcomes. For example, babies soon learn crying is a very effective way of signalling they are in distress. Parents quickly learn to change a wet nappy or feed their infant when they cry. A smile often results in an adult smiling back, cooing or cuddling the baby. So children quickly realise their behaviour can be an effective way of controlling the actions of others. The bad behaviour pay-off Children’s behaviour, whether desirable or undesirable, is influenced by the consequences it produces. Sometimes, the reactions of parents or siblings can accidentally reward misbehaviour, and children learn undesirable behaviour has a payoff. For example, children may learn that when they don’t do as they’re told, they get extra attention from their parents. This attention may be reasoning, discussing, arguing, nagging or repeating instructions over and over. It may not be seen as a “reward” to adults, but children get more attention from mum or dad. Children may also learn when they whine and complain for an electronic device they are more likely to get it. Unfortunately, in this scenario, the child is rewarded for whining and the parent is rewarded for giving them the iPad because it stops a highly irritating noise (at least in the short term). As both the child and the parent are rewarded, this interaction is likely to occur again. Why are kids better at school? When children are with less familiar people, they don’t know how others will respond or what behaviour will result in a payoff. In these circumstances it is common for there to be less undesirable behaviour, at least temporarily. Children can also behave better at school than at home because teachers have very good systems in place. Children are kept busy with a variety of engaging activities, expectations of children’s behaviour are clear, and the payoff for desirable behaviour is reliable. Teachers are well practised at recognising and rewarding desirable behaviour through attention, praise and sometimes…
