Joanna P. Udaykumar

Joanna Priyadarshini Udaykumar is an adolescent and youth counsellor and research scholar at Christ University, Bangalore

My seven-year-old daughter throws tantrums when we are socialising or outdoors. What’s the best way to respond?

— Gina Thomas, Thrissur

Children of this age often resort to throwing tantrums based on the type of response they expect or receive from their parents. Therefore, you need to set clear boundaries about what is and is not acceptable, so that your daughter knows what to expect.

Moreover, children learn through observation and imitation. Remain calm in such situations to reinforce and model expected behaviour. In doing so, she will learn that her attempts to seek attention will not be entertained.

If you know when and where tantrums are likely to occur – such as a visit to the mall or supermarket — you can discuss your behaviour expectations with her before leaving the house. “If you want to go to the mall, can you promise not to shout or cry if I say ‘no’ to something you want,’ or ‘We will go shopping only if you promise to buy only one snack’. Such conversations will prepare her to meet your good behaviour expectations.

My son is in class III. His school gives regular homework and frequent tests. I recently noticed that he gets upset more easily and doesn’t enjoy going out to play. I wonder if school pressure is adversely affecting him?

— Minu Varma, Mumbai

Yes, your child’s emotional outbursts and social withdrawal can be attributed to school stress. Your son may be feeling overwhelmed by academic overload and demonstrating his frustration through irritability and loss of interest in outdoor play.

Encourage your son to voice his concerns and ensure he has some leisure time in post-school hours to unwind. Plan playdates and activities that make him feel he is in control; this will boost his self-confidence. Involve him in art and craft activities or a Lego building activity, giving him the satisfaction of small achievements. Sports and group activities also boost children’s self-confidence.

My eight-year-old is enrolled in a new school. She has heard from our neighbours that the new school’s curriculum is different from that of her previous institution. She is anxious. Please advise.

— Derrick P R, Bengaluru

Irrespective of their age, children are nervous and anxious about adapting to a new school environment. I suggest that, rather than focusing only on the curriculum difference highlighted by neighbours, you need to reassure her that you understand her apprehensions and will provide unconditional support to help her adjust to her new school.

Encourage her to look forward to meeting new people, making new friends, interacting with new teachers, and participating in extracurricular activities. Moreover, familiarize her with the new curriculum by either checking the details on the school website or seeking professional help from the school guidance counsellor.

My twins do everything together. I want to identify each one’s strengths by getting them involved in different activities. But they are not ready. Should I force them?

— Shalini Roy, Delhi

This is a challenge encountered by most parents of twins as they are torn between letting them develop their interests at a natural pace or cultivating their individuality. Although the former is recommended, the latter involves allowing them to choose their own books, toys, clothes, and take on different roles during playtime (e.g. batting vs. bowling in cricket), which reinforces their personal identities.

However, this is possible only if you nurture a sense of security and build their confidence to pursue independent interests. Therefore, it is better to let them establish a healthy identity, rather than trigger separation anxiety.