Sushma Gopalan

– Sushma Gopalan is a child psychologist and child life specialist at Aster CMI Hospital, Bengaluru

My ten-year-old daughter is becoming very demanding and materialistic. How can I change her attitude?

— Minu Dewars, Delhi

Children are highly vulnerable to media advertising, especially social media, which equate happiness with possessions and material gain. Parents have a responsibility to enable children to navigate consumerism and look beyond material happiness. Here are some some suggestions:

• Encourage your daughter to participate in small acts of kindness such as helping a neighbour with a chore, watering plants, donating some amount of pocket money to a charity, or mentoring a younger sibling.
• Link effort to impact, teaching accountability. Show them how their work — be it school projects or volunteering for a community activity — creates value.
• Share inspiring stories that celebrate purpose, kindness, and contribution rather than wealth. Also, real-life experiences of yourself or others who have made a positive difference to the world.
• Make time every day for a family gratitude circle when family members sit together to share what they’re grateful for.
• Encourage an attitude of gratitude by showing, not telling, and letting children absorb it through live examples.

My eight-year-old has a fear of failure in extracurricular activities such as robotics and sports because his friends are performing better than him. How can I motivate him?

— Reva Krishna, Chennai

In today’s ultra-competitive world, it is imperative to teach children to cope with failure and success. The two go hand in hand. Early exposure to competition and extracurricular activities enables children to understand the concept of effort and outcome. Research (Carol Dweck’s Growth Mindset Theory, Stanford University, 2006) has proved that when children are praised for effort rather than outcome, they become resilient and better learners.

My recommendations:

• Praise your son’s effort, ideas, initiative rather than outcomes.
• Share your own life experiences,including failures. This normalises the concept of learning from failure and when and how to move on.
• Encourage experimentation by giving her the freedom to do things her way.
• Reflect and share insights about problems and solving.

My nine-year-old son is very impatient and seeks instant gratification. Please suggest how I can help him develop the virtues of patience and empathy.

— Dinesh Chaturvedi, Mumbai

Today’s fast-paced life is driven by instant gratification — instant deliveries, instant feedback, instant entertainment. Patience needs to be intentionally taught to children.

The classic Stanford Marshmallow Experiment (Mischel et al., 1972) found that children who develop capability to delay gratification demonstrate better emotional control and life outcomes decades later.

I suggest the following:

• Engage him in activities where rewards require effort and time. E.g. puzzles, gardening, etc.
• Encourage him to schedule 30-60 minutes of ‘quiet time’ every day for mindfulness/breathing exercises or for reading. This will help him slow down.
• Model patience by showcasing calm in situations of delays — e.g, in traffic, queues, etc.
• Practice open reflective communication by asking him about his waiting experiences and what helped him remain calm.